so i probly shouldn’t have had that coffee.

altho, in one way i kinda had to, cos i had already had two mugs of tea today and i’m pretty sure that three consecutive teas in a day makes your head implode or something, right

but that meant that after much raucously great conversation and laughter with tbV on a whole range of topics i lay in bed completely awake trying to sleep or at the very least not disturb hers…

but eventually i had to get up and kill some zombies [armed with only the barest amount of highly skilled animated plants] and catch up on the internets [yup, both of them] and hopefully eventually bore myself to sleep.

and i got to thinking that the world, and hollywood in general could really do a much better job of trying to present real to us.

i can’t remember the last time i watched a movie and there was a couple having sex and one of them farted. or actually any husband and wife conversation that was interrupted by a fart.

because that doesn’t happen, right? you get married, you say the vows and then this magical moment happens when you are swept up in this mystical cloud and when you are lightly lowered to the floor again, your ability to fart has been inexplicably taken away.

you don’t burp either. or get zits. or mishear each other. i mean that never happens right? that you have to say “pardon?” or “excuse me?” three times because your spouse was in the other room or the dish washing water was running and you didn’t hear what they said.

nope, marriage is all about bubbles and candyfloss and levitation and cake frosting and rainbows! [did i mention the unicorn sightings?]

BATTLE STATIONS: WHAT TO DO IF THERE ACTUALLY IS A FART?

okay, i may have exaggerated a little bit about the unicorn sightings.

i was having a brief online chat with a friend of mine just the other day about how marriage is a set of choices [made well or badly] long before it is a set of feelings… and on its best days the feelings accompany the choices that are made…

…but when tempers are high or the context is difficult or times are stressful or one of us is simply just being a jerk, then the choices – and hopefully the right ones – get made despite the feelings not being there, or not the Hollywood alleged ones at any rate.

it sounds so scientifically unromantic when you put it like that – love is a choice – boo! boo!

and maybe that is part of the point – so much of marriage IS unromantic. and that’s okay.

because Hollywood has sold us a big fat piece of crap on a stick when it comes to love, relationships, marriage etc.

they require work and effort. time and sacrifice. hard decisions.

and sometimes there are tears. and angry words. and regrets [because you cannot grab hold of those words and force them back into your mouth once they are out]

and some times – too many times – you will hurt the one you love – the one you have promised to love more than anyone else you know or have ever known.

it’s not always nice or great or fun or easy… but that is a huge part of what marriage is about… the messiness, the unromantic parts – cleaning toilets and emptying compost bins – washing ANOTHER sink full of dishes even though you did it the last ten times [as did your wife, cos those things have babies in the sink – ask Val she’ll provide concurrage! babies i tell you!]

RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY… or maybe just tread knowingly

i feel like the last three to four weeks on the book of faces all i have seen has been engagements

i’m not sure why that is – maybe Christmas and New Year’s is the time when that all happens but it just seems to be all over the place on my Facebook at least – and i’m sure regular service will be resuming soon and we’ll be back to people getting pregnant and sharing silly cat videos and having ridiculous religious arguments again.

having said that, this post on the realness of marriage might feel to some like a Monty Python and the Holy Grailesque ‘Run away! Run away!’ warning when it is not meant to be anything like that in the slightest.

hearing about all the chaos and hardship and work and unromanticness of huge areas of marriage might seem like a statement intended to make you think that marriage is not a good thing – on the contrary! marriage is an most excellent thing and that is despite all the above mentioned areas as well as taking into account the significant lack of excessive bubble wrap pajama parties and unicorn tear cocktail nights.

but it would be helpful for you to know the full picture going in. or a fuller picture at least.

cos you’ve been sold a crock of ship-hitting-the-fan type scenarios when you have been given the picture that it is all about the romance and the butterflies, about the feelings and the heart-pounding-bed-breaking-earth-shattering sex [which is always clean and neat and boydoihaveasurpriseforyou] and about happy faces and positive attitudes and friendly disagreements and easy solutions and must i go on?

cos it is not. 

well, not all the time. there IS romance and butterflies and feelings and idontthinkishouldcommentontheheartpoundingbedbreakingearthshatteringsex and happy faces and positive attitudes and all of that.

but there is the other thing as well.

and it is how you navigate the combination of good vs hard vs chaotic vs confusing painful vs exhilarating vs surprising vs amazing that works towards how well [or badly] you will create a marriage that will last and stand the test of time.

and even more so perhaps, the test of Hollywood.

unicorn4

 

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