working thru anonymous email – continuing with part 2…

Then you look at the girls who are dating. Just have a look around in churches and think about it. I’ve actually heard a sermon being preached on dating, where the pastor said that we should make ourselves attractive for the opposite sex. At one point he basically said ” so you girls who are slightly overweight, don’t be too upset if you’re not dating” . HUH?? Did I miss something? I’m a healthy size, but should I be moving towards size 0?

Maybe its because of my race. Its true. Maybe I am being excluded because I’m just the black girl, and instead of taking the time to get to know me and thinking of the fact that we actually have a lot more in common than differences, I am again sidelined.

Basically it feels like the message I am getting from my christian brothers is that I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect. Yes God is my number one, and yes I am smart and doing something with my life (not just waiting around for mr right!). But its just not enough. Please don’t think that I am seeking validation and placing my self worth in what I do or don’t receive from these boys. I’m passed that, and I know better than to do that. But in the context of dating, it sends out quite a message.

hey anon, sounds like that pastor guy needs A SLAP IN THE HEAD. i think there is some merit in the principle of what he is saying (maybe more to guys) that if you don’t take care of yourself at all and are sloppy and hugely overweight and have bad character traits that go unchecked, then you can’t just expect mr or mrs universe to fall into your lap. But i don’t think that applies in your case.

all of the things you mention above i would link to the ‘MAYBE YOU NEED TO HANG OUT WITH SOME NEW GUYS’ comment from before. it does sound like your problem might not be with you but with “these guys” – maybe they just don’t see what is in front of them and you need to FIGURE OUT WHERE you can meet and hang out with cleverer guys.

i know of one church where a bunch of the single girls were frustrated that the group of guys they were friends with were showing no interest and just caught up in their own hobbies and things and so they started hanging out as a group with a bunch of guys from another church – pretty soon those original guys GOT THEIR ACT TOGETHER, but some of those girls found meaningful relationships with the guys in the other church. i think cape town has huge potential in terms of churches with rad people in them and so whether it’s a social or a mid-week group or an event, there are HUGE OPPORTUNITIES to go and hang out and meet new people.

another out-there way of dealing with the situation is BY INITIATING and i know this freaks a lot of girls out and i am not talking about asking a guy to date you, but INITIATING A DATE with a guy (coffee, movie, sporting event, theatresports) could be a way to at least break the ice and get to know each other. sometimes guys are just shy and may not realise that there are girls available in that sense. it might lead to some awkward encounters but it might also lead to some exciting opportunities. there really might be guys out there going “she’d never go for me” and so they never even ask.

So now what happens is I meet a really nice guy, who sees me as and values and appreciates me, but sadly he’s not a christian, so I politely decline him because I’m waiting for “the one”.

well KEEP IT UP!!! – i know it’s hard, but it would be like settling for american hersheys ‘chocolate’ when you have the opportunity of Lindt balls. Flip don’t even go there. what that shows you is that THE PROBLEM IS NOT ABOUT YOU – guys obviously do meet you and dig you and want to get to know you better. now it’s just to find the same kind of guys, but who love Jesus too, and they are out there.

But then I think of all my christian friends who are 35 and single, because they have been praying and waiting. And they love their God and they are beautiful women. But because they don’t fit the “perfect Christian girl criteria” – which whether you choose to believe it or not does exist, they have never been married, and for some of them, never dated!

yeah, anon, as i said before, this is the bit I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND AND IT SUCKS and i have been praying for a couple of friends of mine who are around my age and really desiring relationship and confused and hurt and lonely and IT JUST IS A REALLY TOUGH ONE! – on the one side though, when i look back at my story i wanted a girlfriend and wife-type person from my early twenty days and only found tbV when i was 35 – at the time of being back there i would have definitely have wanted it a different way but looking back i completely think it worked out the best. i was able to be CONTENT IN MY SINGLENESS and achieve and experience a bunch of stuff that would not have been possible had i been married (altho if it had happened the other way i have no doubt i would have looked back on that and gone wow that was amazing). do i thin God planned it this way? personally i don’t – i think God for the most part leaves relationships up to us altho He has given us strong guidelines and i think He totally cares about our relationships but i don’t think He draws all the dots and just waits for us to link them up. i do strongly believe in Romans 8.28 though. so situations aren’t always good or God’s doing, but HE IS ALWAYS ABLE TO WORK GOOD IN ALL SITUATIONS for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

i don’t think praying and waiting is enuff though. it is tough to comment on situations where i don’t know all the details so i won’t. but like i said before you need to be PUTTING YOURSELF IN PLACES AND SITUATIONS where Christ-following guys will be as well and then take the opportunities that come. Val has some interesting thorts on this, you should ask her about her experience before she met me. don miller (blue like jazz) went as far as promoting christian dating sites but again i think the intention was specifically about not just sitting and hoping that the perfect man will materialise in your living room with a nice bow and card from God saying “enjoy!”

And that’s the problem. And that’s why girls are dating outside the church. Because we are tired of being reminded that we aren’t worth it!

CHRISTIAN GUYS OUT THERE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS? a whole bunch of you really do need to GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER! Read the dating thort series i am writing cos there will definitely be something about what we look for in a person and judging by the world’s standards or Gods. I WELCOME ANY RESPONSE FROM ANY CHRIST-FOLLOWING GUYS OUT THERE who might have read this and may have some commentary on any of the questions or points raised.

anon, all i can say is DON’T GIVE UP!! i ‘get’ how completely hard and confusing and lonely it can be but I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LOOK TO GOD, to be praying that He will enable you TO BE CONTENT in any and every situation as opposed to just giving you the answer you are looking for, TO BE USING THIS OPPORTUNITY OF SINGLENESS to be working on any areas of character that need growth or development and to be SEEKING YOUR IDENTITY IN GOD! Doing all of those things can only make you more attractive and hopefully, as you put yourself more out there or more into a diverse bunch of situations and groupings, the right guy will take notice and your time will come. and there is scripture that says He will grant you the desires of your heart, but none about the timing of that and so KEEP DESIRING, KEEP ASKING, KEEP TRUSTING, BUT KEEP PRAYING, “Your will, not mine be done.”

much love and sorry there are no easier or better answers but hopefully something was helpful

[For some other helpful posts on different aspects of dating, click here]
love b

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