i was sitting in the back of the church meeting yesterday when a couple (who have been married for less than three years) arrived and she came and sat in front of me and he stood at the back of the room to the one side…

it was obvious to me that they were having some kind of negative vibe – she was obviously stressed and every now and then would look across at him and make eye contact and with a gentle nod of her head indicate to him to “come over and join me” – it was extremely subtle and i don’t think anyone else noticed and most people wouldn’t have, but it really broke me…

and it is quite possible that they have an amazingly happy marriage and that was just a ‘moment’ as we all have – relationships are tough and a lot of work (but thoroughly rewarding at the same time) and so i would imagine every one has moments when you pull in different directions or bump heads or piss each other off – and i really hope it was that… cos i wanted to go to him and say to him, ‘you Fool! get over your pride or whatever silly thing it was that caused you to argue just before you came in here, or maybe are carrying on with from last night, and go to your wife and love her. show her physically – with an arm around her or a gentle kiss on the forehead, that although there has been a blip on the radar or maybe even a little tremor or whatever it is that went wrong, that above all and overwhelmingly unrelated to that you completely love her and choose her and will never leave her.

cos i know there are a bunch of marriages struggling in our church. no-one has ever told me who any of them are but they have not needed to. if you watch people you can see, and it’s horrible. especially when you see people who have given up. going through my motions. given in to selfishness or pride or offence or whatever it is that stops you choosing to love.

and the ridiculous facade of needing to cover it up and pretend everything is okay cos how terrible would it be if people from your loving, caring and supportive community ever found out that there was something wrong with your marriage, oh the shame. so straighten the mask and off to pretend to church…

i would imagine a huge majority of that stuff is brought on by the lie of love being a feeling. when feeling is present then it’s incredibly easy to love, but love is a choice, or a series of choices, and all the actions that accompany those choices. and you HAVE to fight! tbV and i have been married for less than a year and it’s amazing and we both love each other immensely and it surprises us that that continues to grow (cos how can something grow that feels complete but it’s not and it keeps on) but we have to constantly fight for and work at our marriage.

cos the enemy is out there. and he wants to take us down. he hungrily desires to have yet one more marriage fail to live up to the hope of being a light and a beacon for others against a backdrop of brokenness and divorce and surviving.

but God wants marriages to thrive! God loves marriage (it was his idea after all) and He backs them and is cheering them on. and it is through His power via the Holy Spirit living in us and His guidance (via teaching in the Bible, the example of Jesus and many Godly men and women who have been able to live and model it out) that we will be able to be part of a growing, increasing-in-love union. i think one of the hugest parts of building a successful working thriving marriage is choosing to choose. again, repeatedly, especially when circumstances or behaviours encourage otherwise – i choose you again. i choose to love you. i choose to serve you. i choose to give to you. i choose to seek after a love that

is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. [1 Corinthians 13.4-8a]