killing me softly, with this love… [aka an apology and personal slap in the face]

the other day i saw this cartoon that someone had posted on facebook that was pretty funny but involved hitler in a way that i knew would be offensive to a lot of jewish people. so i immediately wrote the girl who had posted it an email [more a friend of a friend than a direct friend] and just before i hit the send key i stopped for a moment, reread what i had written and changed it before sending it…

instead of ‘hey friend, you posted a cartoon that is going to hurt people’ or something like that, i started with some relationship ['hey friend, long time no chat, how are you doing? what you been up to?'] and then i identified with the cartoon and why she had posted it [i find the cartoon really funny but at the same time i think it may be offensive to some people] and then finished off with more relationship and encouragement ['continue to rock on - you often send along good twitter fun vibes... much love']

she responded with:

["Hey

You're 100% right. Sometimes I don't think... There's a fine line between dark humour and plain darkness. I actually had a funny feeling after logging off and needed to come back on FB to delete it. Then I saw your message. Thanks for the mail, thanks for calling me out and gently pointing it out, I really appreciate it.

You rock on too."]

and i realised i got that one right… and as a bonus victory, later in the week i decided to keep a certain description [of a friend who wrote for my marriage blog series] out of my intro [that she was someone who had always said she'd never be married] because i thought hey, maybe she wouldn’t want me to share that about her publically [she wrote back saying i totally didn't need to edit it out, but i still think making sure was the right move when there was any kind of doubt]

so yay for double victories… but boo for the knowledge that there have been many [and probably many, many, i am quite old] times when i have not gotten it right.

and ‘but i meant well’ is not good enough for people i hurt by not being as gentle in my calling out as i was with this person…

Truth is important, but Truth-in-Love should be non-negotiable, as a Jesus follower at the very least. And i think that looking back, there have been times where I have shared Truth and possibly even meant Love but not conveyed it well at all. I have hurt people by being too quick to rush to Truth [or my version of it] and too slow to honour Relationship and for this i am deeply sorry. i don’t even know if i can pull a Zacchaeus and go back and find all the people i have wronged and make things right [and i imagine most of them will not be reading what i write here] just because i don’t have a comprehensive list of who they are. what i can do is learn from the two victories of this week and ensure that i follow a more Truth-in-Love stance as my go-to response as the norm.

however, having said all that, let me finish by saying these two things which make it incredibly more complicated and complex:

[1] there is not enough Truth-in-Love in the church! there is something we mistake as love which is usually born out of a fear of confrontation in any form and so we would rather let our close friends sink in their sin than call them on it, gently in love, and help them become better, stronger people… [Proverbs 27.6 'Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.'] Close friends are the ones more likely to be listened to and often i have felt forced to intervene because none of the people who should have been Truthing-in-Love were being good friends… we need to step up more into this.

and [2] there are times [and these must be so carefully discerned] where the person receiving the correction will not feel loved and that doesn’t mean Love has not happened – and there are times when the rebuke must be strong and times when it must be public… the trick is just figuring out the difference and i imagine the Holy Spirit is key in that – but Jesus publically takes down the pharisees and other leaders on occasion, and paul publically rebukes peter at one time [i believe that public sin often requires public dealing with it - very different to the matthew 18 'if your brother sins against you' way of dealing with things, because the sin has affected so many more people and for their growth they need to be aware of how it was dealt with and that it was dealt with]… i was recently unfriended on facebook for doing this to someone and looking back i still think i did the right thing, but i am not completely convinced i did it in the most loving way, the jury is still out on that one although i did spend a lot of time trying to mend the relationship after that.

so we need to be being good friends to those around us and when someone who calls themselves a Jesus follower displays some behaviour or posts something on a social network that is strongly against the message of following Jesus, we need to have the guts to confront them. but we need to speak Truth-in-Love and always make sure that we have an abundance of Love. we need to [and by 'we' i mean 'i' and i imagine my wife is going to hurt herself nodding to this one] take longer to respond and be very sure of the Love and manner of response before we send it. we need to make sure we are as vocal and more public in applauding when people get it right…

hopefully that is one mistake i can choose to never make again.

i kissed dating part Eliminate the Klingon

…continuing on the journeying of looking at how we date and how we could do better at it…

this specific thort is very couple specific so for those who need to hear it, you REALLY need to hear it, whereas there are probably a whole bunch of people who don’t [but you know people who do!] but i do think it is a healthy thing to give a quick look to.

so the moment happens, you look across that crowded room and see that person – “the one” – and your heart does all that strange stuff and the whole world fades and there is just that person [slow motion baywatch beach running may occur as you move towards each other and interact and she/he actually speaks to you... or it may not... i dunno, it's been a while]

and thru some miracle this person feels the same way and says yes when you ask them out on a date and again when you ask them to date [there's a difference] and it’s a really amazing thing and time and feeling and so on.

the one problem that occurs with some couples is that they continue on in that state and forget to push the button that allows the rest of the world to come back into focus. you know the type – i call them klingons – not because they are the enemies of the Star Ship Enterprise, but because they simply just cling….on…. to each other, all the time.

we’re talking about exclusive couples who become a couple and then pretty much distance themselves from everyone else or else interact with people but only ever as a couple.

it may sound and seem pretty nice, but i don’t believe it’s healthy. what is healthy is for a couple to have friends, both as individuals and as the couple, and also to have some separate interests.

community is so vital for a healthy relationship and one of the things Christ-followers do or should have going for them is a sort of instant community when it comes to church [or cell group/youth] and so it makes a lot of sense to make the most of that. also klingon couples are generally not a lot of fun to be around. they are so self-absorbed that they alienate all those around them and so people end up wanting to spend less time with them which just reinforces the whole klingon thing.

so what i am saying is if you are in a relationship then…

[1] be around other people – don’t sit exclusively in your relationship and only spend time with that person – you will damage all the friendships both of you had before and if – heaven forbid – you were to ever break up – you would be left without a support group of friends who love you who can gather around you and help it be okay.

[2] be clinged off when around other people – i imagine you spend enough time touching each other when you are alone so when you are with friends or in other social settings you don’t have to be holding hands or onto each other all the time – it really makes it difficult or uncomfortable for other people if you are constantly physically clinging on to each other – and make space for other people in terms of not just zoning in to your person – when you’re around other people, be around other people

[3] it is healthy to spend time not with your person – hang out with your friends while he/she hangs out with theirs – be involved in some activity/activities that don’t doesn’t involve your person – time spent apart will increase the incredibleness of time spent together but it is also a healthy situation in terms of personal growth and growth with your other significant people

so eliminate the klingon from your relationship and be in relationship in community – you and your person and the people around you will all benefit from it and the relationship is likely to be a lot stronger.

i kissed dating, part number one thing

i believe it is imperative that THE NUMBER 1 THING IN YOUR LIFE IS THE NUMBER 1 THING IN HER LIFE [i'm talking guy to girl here, but all of this flows both ways]

when it comes to passion and interests and hobbies and so on there is room to have differing, even at times opposing interests, but NOT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR PRIMARY FOCUS and joy and directional force.

in the context of CHRIST-FOLLOWING RELATIONSHIPS this is ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT EXCEPTION THE CASE, and the beauty is that the ‘what?’ has already been decided on (or in this case the ‘Who’)

because as a Christ-follower, THE NUMBER 1 THING/PERSON IN MY LIFE HAS TO BE JESUS! That is what Christ-following means. That is the call Jesus makes on your life [See Luke 9.23]

and so you need to find someone who has Jesus as their number 1!

which, in effect, answers the question, “IS IT OKAY FOR A CHRISTIAN TO DATE A NON-CHRISTIAN?” and the answer is NO, but for BOTH OF YOUR SAKES!

let me give you an example. if i started dating the beautiful Val (tbV) and she was not a Christ-follower then i would not have been able to share with her the most important thing in my life (Jesus and my relationship with Him). So for me Jesus would be the most important thing in my life. For her IT WOULD BE SOMETHING ELSE – and it doesn’t matter what that something else is – her number 1 could be herself or it could be me or it could be money or fame or sport or whatever – the bottom line is that WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SHARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN OUR LIVES with each other.

and what that does is it interrupts and IT PUTS SHACKLES ON INTIMACY – intimacy with each other will only be able to go so far because we are completely unable to share the thing that is most important to us – and that is tragic. because a huge part of relationship is identification and sharing and journeying together and so we would be able to have relationship and it might seem great and be a lot of fun, but somewhere along the line there would be a friction or a tension because our two greatest things are different.

for some reason, when this happens, the way it generally (not always but usually) plays out is that the girl is a Christ-follower and the guy is not, and generally what happens is that THE GIRL MOVES AWAY FROM HER FAITH rather than the guy moving towards it…

“but i’m going to lead him closer to Jesus by dating him” – that’s the vibe a lot of girls have put out and with completely well-meaning intentions… and we have even coined a term for it – ‘missionary dating’ (pretty horrible actually and quite deceptive if you think about it) – but in my 3O plus years of existence I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SOMEONE BECOMING A FOLLOWER OF JESUS THROUGH SALIVA…

huh? yes, you heard me. cos what is the main difference between being someones friend and dating them? the physical aspects of a relationship. and so if your chief concern is to introduce them to Jesus and life to the full and so on, surely it can be done as a friend and there is no added need to do it from the place of relationship. in fact, THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS AND TEMPTATIONS that get added with relationship (especially relationship with someone who doesn’t follow Jesus who is likely to have a different value system to you when it comes to that stuff) ONLY BRINGS DISTRACTION to the purpose at hand so why not remove them altogether.

as i said IT’S A TWO-WAY THING. you are not just doing this for you, but for them. if they are not able to understand or ‘get’ or share the number 1 thing in your life with you, then it will be frustrating and confusing for them and a barrier will be built up between you and them.

so IF THE PERSON YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR IS NOT A FOLLOWER OF JESUS, don’t complicate things for them, or you both. be the best friend you can be to them. love them and model Jesus-living to them and introduce them (in actions and also words) to the One who will bring life to the full. but DO IT FROM THE CONTEXT OF FRIENDSHIP! don’t waste your time, and theirs, pursuing something that cannot move to the next level.

this is a KEY ASPECT TO THE WAY WE DO DATING RELATIONSHIPS – conform no longer, transform your mind and your actions, and see better, safer, healthier outcomes.

[click here for next part]

How to love your woman better part ‘Amnesia’

If you had to ask me what is one of the key principles in loving your woman well (whether it be wife or girlfriend) i would say to you, “I don’t remember.”

No i mean that’s the answer… intentional amnesia

In the Bible, Paul writes ‘Love does not keep a record of wrongs’ and that is a solid principle to employ in your relationship with your loved one – it also works for friends and family but in terms of that special woman in your life it is not even an option or a would-be-nice – it is an absolute.

If Val does something to hurt me and i respond with a line like “you always…” or “you never” it screams to her that i have not forgiven her for times in the past when she has hurt me and i have said that i have forgiven her. No, instead i am keeping a mental record of all her past transgressions and making another mark in that same column.

Choose to forget. And forget doesn’t mean not having the mental capacity to remember because it’s not like we can affect that so much, but rather it means not holding that thing against the other person. So when Val hurts me i need to treat it as if it is the first time she has hurt me in that way and not bring back all the other similar-themed times where it happened in the past.

[what makes this all a lot easier is your starting point which can be difficult to return to in the moment of anger or frustration... but my starting point with Val is knowing that she would never intentionally choose to hurt me as i would never intentionally choose to hurt her – sometimes it is done by mistake, sometimes it is caused by selfishness or pride or laziness or tiredness or context-affected emotion or whatever. But if i can take a step back from the incident or words uttered and go back to the starting point of ‘Valerie-Claire Anderson loves me and would never intentionally choose to hurt me” then it becomes so much easier to get over what may often be my pride or reaction in response and let go of whatever the incident was.]

Which is why if you had to ask me what is one of the key principles in loving your woman well, i would say to you, “I don’t remember.”

for the next part in the ‘How to Love your woman better’ series – Choosing this day – click here.

How to Love Your Woman Better part the Defining of Love

Hollywood (and the greater media) pretty much says (intimates) that love is a feeling and that the expression of that feeling is sex, and also pretty much once the feeling goes love has gone and you should walk away (and get a divorce). Which is why we have such a huge divorce rate where one out of three (or is it two now) marriages end in divorce.

But there is another, better way…

A way that says ‘Love is patient’

Love is kind…

It does not envy…

It does not boast…

It is not proud…

It is not rude…

It is not self-seeking…

It is not easily-angered…

It keeps no record of wrongs [read that one again!]

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects…

It always hopes…

It always perseveres [read that one again!]

Love never fails! [it makes mistakes, but it doesn’t fail]

A lot of you will no doubt recognise this passage from the Bible in the letter Paul writes to the Corinthians [1 Cor 13.4-8] but i have yet to see a better understanding and explanation of what love is or should be about.

But for those of you who are familiar with the passage you probably recognised it and went ‘ah, i know that’ and skimmed down to see what i would say about it. Don’t do that. Go back – in fact all of you, if you are serious about loving your woman (man, parents, kids, friends) better then work through these points one by one and ask ‘is this true for me?’ and if not then what am i going to do to change it?

One way that might help is by substituting your name for every time it refers to love and seeing how much you laugh or cringe at the statement…

So brett is patient… [laugh? cringe?]

brett doesn’t keep a record of wrongs… [laugh? cringe?]

brett always protects, trusts, hopes… [laugh? cringe?]

brett never fails…?

Love involves choice, it involves being intentional, it involves sacrifice. True love involves lifting up the other person above yourself (needs, wants, desires) and taking care of them/theirs first.

Love your woman better! It’s so much bigger than a feeling. It’s so much greater than just sex. It’s never worth walking away from just cos either of those run out.

For the next part of ‘How to Love your woman better’ – Small Intentional Sacrifices – click here.

a simple cartoon of the bible story of church

imagine this in badly drawn stick figures if you will:

God and man (as in mankind/people) in harmonious relationship walking together in the garden, the place of creation, unified in relationship, God somehow receiving something from this engagement with His creation.

something happens – man decides to choose self over obedience to God and relationship breaks down – we have the word ‘sin’ but really it is simply an indication of relationship gone wrong, breakdown of engagement, distance and an obstacle or barrier between man and God.

man is banished from the place of creation and heads out by himself, left to his own devices (which quickly leads to murder) and God sets in place His plan of restoring the way things were in the beginning.

Round [1] – God appears to individuals and start to show them a blueprint of the way things are meant to be – God calls a man and then a nation, Israel, and says, “you will be a blessing to other nations.”

Round [2] – God shows up from time to time in different manners and disguises to an individual and they pass on the messages He speaks.

Round [3] – God moves into a tent – well not quite, but the people are struggling with such an abstract picture of God and so as Israel wanders around the desert, God allows His presence to settle in the tabernacle, in the holy of holies chamber and communicates through the priests, and particularly the high priest on one special day every year.

Round [4] – the people settle, eventually making it to the promised land (after much trial and disobedience and grace on God’s part as time and time again they continue to choose their way over His, but He remains faithful to the restoration process) and so God settles (well, not really) and makes the building of the temple His place of encounter with the people, still through the chosen order of the priests.

Round [5] – a lot of time has passed and it has been a while since God appeared directly to anyone, altho the messages of the prophets, talking of a time in the near future when He will come and bring justice and mercy once again and they hold tightly to that. suddenly, God arrives on the scene – having sent messengers who are for the most part ignored, ridiculed and executed, He decides that a personal visit is in order and so Jesus shows up [God, and yet Son of God] and once more walks among the people – He declares that God is wanting an intimate relationship, using terms like ‘abba’ (daddy) and ‘Father’ to address God directly – and then dies in an act that somehow destroys the sin, obstacle, barrier that has stopped man from really getting close to God.

Round [6] – as Jesus is leaving, He speaks of His Holy Spirit who will come and live in those who choose to die to their own lives (wants, greeds, agendas) and follow Him and His ways – a few weeks later, as the followers of Jesus are hanging out together, this happens dramatically and like a cloud of fire the Spirit settles on them and they (and 3000 other people who happened to be in the vicinity) are transformed forever.

this is obviously a very simplistic way of telling the Bible story, but i was just struck once more this morning at our church gathering how it went from a place of intimacy and engagement to a place of separation and that there was the process of God speaking through a man – to the tent – to the temple – to God coming down – to us becoming the temple and having God live in us, preparing us for another day when it will be returned to the way it was.

This excites me.

lausanne reflections: some thoughts on globalisation

we watched a panel do some talking around the theme of globalisation yesterday and i jotted down some interesting lines and thorts on my phone while it was happening:

with globalisation there are three stages we need to go through:

- we need to discern
- we need to assess
- we need to engage

is it right or wrong, it is good or bad, is it useful or useless – too often as the church we can throw the whole thing out instead of taking the time to go through those three steps and see where we can get involved and make the most of what is happening in the world – Jesus often used the context around Him (fish, children, people putting money into the offering) to teach His audience – when it comes to globalisation, the scope is vast and so both throwing out and holding onto everything is going to have negative results – but discerning, assessing and then engaging is going to be valuable, productive and effective

one of the speakers said that one of the needs during globalisation is for the rest of the world (specifically the south, where the shift of power is happening – india, china and africa and so on) to go to the west and help them win back the west [for so long there has been the mindset of the west going out to save/help/reach and now the reality is that the west contains some of the biggest need, especially when it comes to the gospel and living it out]

there is too much world in the church [and not enough church in the world] – one person in my small group said it like this quoting DL Moody – the church is like a boat has been made to be on the water – but heaven help the people in the boat once the water starts coming in to the boat – the two extremes here are becoming too isolated and becoming too worldly and the church has been guilty of both in different areas – our national vineyard conference recently met with the theme of ‘taking the church out of the building’ and i really believe that is a huge key to the future – links strongly with the split between sacred and secular [that actually if we include/invite/involve God in every aspect of our lives then everything is or should be spiritual] – we need to be infecting the world and not the other way around

lots of churchianity, not enough Christ-ianity…

then three aspects of the gospel that need to be happening:

- we need to believe the gospel
- we need to behave the gospel (live it out)
- we need to bear the gospel (take it out)
- and a fourth would be that it is a Biblical gospel

which links to the vision statement of lausanne which is ‘the whole church taking the whole gospel to the whole world’

another statement that was made was this: never before in the west have we had so much (stuff, toys, technology, opportunity) – never before have we had so little (depth, genuine relationship, life-transformation)

one of the problems of Christianity in the west is that it has been pitched as a product to buy – it never shows as discipleship because it never was truth – is there any surprise that we don’t live any differently to the world – what can i get out of this? how does it make me feel? how does it change me? a religion that is me-centered as opposed to a relationship that revolves completely around God that i am privileged to be an active participant in

one of the keys is that we need to be making disciples rather than converts – and even taking it a step further – we need to be making disciplers, rather than just disciples

another point which ties in with globalisation and this discussion on church is a statement John Fisher made at a breakfast recently when he was talking about his love of the church and he said we don’t need uniformity, we need unity – that is one of the biggest things that if we could get right, we would see the world changed…

the julius dil-(en)-emma

hm, okay this is so soon after my ‘learn something new about jacob zuma so i can maybe see him as a person’ post but after the last few days (building on the last year) wow i just struggle with Julius Malema and maybe need to meet up with his mom or close friend or something because he… like really? REALLY? like… ghah!

i don’t understand why the ANC tolerate him – to be honest i am not the most aware in the sphere of politics – i try stay informed of the news and what’s happening daily around the country and worldwide but only really the basic headlines and such so there is a lot i don’t know

but with mal-enema (speling?) i just don’t get it – the latest one is him defending Jacob Zuma (just fathered illegitimate child shortly before his 5th? wedding) by saying that he is untouchable because he is our father – so by his reasoning Jacob Zuma could walk around with an axe killing babies and it would be okay because you can’t question him – the fact that he holds tightly onto the concept of anyone being ‘above the law’ is incredibly concerning

but shtupidt statement after stupid statement and then following it with actions – he was in three different stories on the radio news this morning and i just don’t get why he gets to stay where he is doing what he is doing – is he our next president? i thort there was no way Zuma would get in after all the allegations and court cases and so on, but the fact that he did tells me Julius could really be next

but then if you see his role models, maybe it’s understandable – iafrica.com reports:

“Why should a relationship between two adults be made an issue?” ANC spokesperson Jackson Mthembu asked in a statement. “Why should it make headlines? Why is it characterised by some media as a ‘Shame to the nation’?”.

“There is nothing wrong that the president has done. There is nothing ‘shameful’ when two adults have a relationship,” he said.

[http://news.iafrica.com/politics/news/2043881.htm]

if that is the ‘moral’ standard being shown by the leader and ruling party of this country then the young people of this nation are in trouble – who will fight for the relationships in South Africa? who will be role models for young people and teach them what true love is all about? who will lift up the standard of marriage which is an incredible incredible thing when done properly and with the right person…

i’m in. pick me.

love your wife… and get caught!

i remember some kids song that went ‘love your neighbour as you love yourself, oh-oh love your neighbour, but don’t get caught’ and thinking as i write that, i may very well have added the ‘don’t get caught’ on to what was a nice kiddies song of which i still have the tune playing in my head… so maybe scrap that…

but it brings to mind the one thing that is hugely on my mind at the moment – loving your wife, and better – been blogging a series on Facebook called ‘how to love your woman better’ which is aimed at getting guys (and everyone really) thinking about how they love their wives, girlfriends etc (and the other way round of course but directing it at the guys) – the other night i was at a function with some of my people and tbV overheard the one woman speaking to her man on the phone giving him some directions or something and then getting irritated with whatever he was saying on the other end and finished the conversation by screaming “I HATE YOU!” and hanging up…

wow, that breaks me… it was not a Christ-following relationship, but i don’t doubt even in some of those people dive across the boundaries of what should never be said or done and God has put it HUGELY in my heart to see Christ-following relationships improved to the thousand percentile (no, i don’t, it just sounds like a nice word) and especially to see the bar raised…

when i got married to tbVal in my speech i spoke to married men and single guys about that and put myself totally out there in terms of how Paul does with his ministry – follow me as i imitate Christ kind of vibe – but follow me as i role model good relationship… on the one hand i guess it can appear arrogant, but it is completely not. it is the desperate plea of someone watching a lot of people in relationship (Christ-following and not) and saying “there must be more than this” [my life theme song] and stepping up to the plate and making myself hugely accountable and vulnerable and there for the shots to be fired at and committing (cos it is completely a commitment as opposed to an arrogant statement) to loving my wife better.

i do think that loving tbV is one of the things i do best in life. not saying i have it perfect or close to that and not saying i am necessarily better than anyone else, but in terms of everything i do in life, it is one of the things i work at the most and try to intentionally get a lot more right than i did yesterday. we still do have a way to go before we are any kind of perfect couple, but in terms of what is out there, we have a lot to teach and model and call people towards already… and NOT just because we have “only been married 5.5 months”

one of the things is to love my wife publically – not to a sickening “please stop” “get yourselves a room” level of grossification, but to an extent that lets people know i love this woman, i am committed to her, and i want to express it.

so love your wife… and get caught! a lot.