the latest brett andy offerings to critique…

many of you already know the history, but for anyone who may not…

in the beginning there was Jack Handey and such winners as:

“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.” [Jack Handey]

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.” [Jack Handey]

and so i set out to try my hand at handeyesque humour and brett andy’s were born… mostly not nearly as good, but every now and then i hit on something that works and you can see them all here if you have not… however, a year or so on and i am still trying to figure out how they work and could really use your help and so if you don’t mind taking a minute to read the next 15 and feeding back on any of them that made you smile, grin or even send some kind of liquid you were drinking straight through your nose… so leave a comment with maybe your top three or more if there were and thank you for your time… speaking of which…

“I HEARD ‘THYME HEALS ALL WOUNDS,’ BUT WHEN I RUBBED SOME OF IT INTO MY CUT LAST NIGHT IT JUST LEFT ME WITH THIS NASTY RASH.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“MR POTATO HEAD TOOK ONE LAST LOOK AT HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR, BUT NOTHING COULD CHANGE THE TRUTH STARING BACK AT HIM. HIS HEAD WAS ALSO HIS BUTT.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN THE WOODS AND I, I TOOK THE ONE LESS INFESTED BY HIDDEN ROBOT NINJA ZOMBIE ATTACK DOGS. AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS SPRING CONTINUED TO PROGRESS SOMEWHAT MEDIOCRELY, HUMPTY DUMPTY REMINISCED ABOUT THE GREAT FALL HE’D HAD JUST MONTHS AGO.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THE GNU FAMILY CELEBRATES ON JANUARY FIRST?”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS THE CLOUDS STARTED TO GATHER, YOU COULD TELL BY THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE SERIOUSLY INTENSE MEETING.”

[BRETT ANDY]

‘ “STOP THROWING THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER!”  HANK KNEW THAT HIS WIFE WAS RIGHT. THAT WAS THE THIRD BABY THEY’D LOST ALREADY THIS WEEK.’ 

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT. AND HE WAS RIGHT. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“HIS FRIENDS WATCHED AS BILLY’S LIFELESS BODY SLUMPED TO THE GROUND, EACH OF THE THOUSAND BLOOD DROPLETS EVIDENCE OF A CORRESPONDING CACTUS SPIKE. AND THUS TREE-HUGGING WAS PROPOSED.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“NICE GIRL,” THOUGHT PRINCE CHARMING TO HIMSELF, AS THEY DANCED CHEEK TO CHECK, “ALTHOUGH KINDA SMELLS LIKE PUMPKIN!”

[BRETT ANDY]

THE BLEEDING STOPPED. FROM THEN ON, IT WAS SIMPLY “RUDOLPH.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS I FINISHED JOINING THE DOTS AND STOOD BACK TO ADMIRE MY HANDIWORK, I WONDERED IF MY COUSIN LAURA, PRESENTLY RECOVERING FROM THE MEASLES, WOULD APPRECIATE IT AS MUCH AS I DID WHEN SHE WOKE UP.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“AS TIM UNWRAPPED HIS LAST CHRISTMAS GIFT, HE SUDDENLY THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, “PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THAT TO THE PEOPLE I BOUGHT THEM FOR.”

[BRETT ANDY]

“THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS, WHICH IS TRUE, BUT ALSO NEVER CONFUSE LIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN.”

[BRETT ANDY]

take a minute and vote for your latest brett andy favourites if you will…

so a while ago, after ten rounds of brett andy voting [jack handeyesque wannabe quotes i'm working on improving - some good, some bad, some ugly, but every now and then i just hit it.] i was going to do a massive best of vote in which i picked all my top ones and got people to pick the best of the best… but then i changed computers and all my brett andy voting results and lists are on my other computer and it just seems like too much admin, so will get there one day… but for now if you are able to read through the list and add a comment on which of the latest ones you possibly find funny – there are three here that i really like for various reasons of subtlety and one [if you google it] is actually a true story…so please take a minute to vote on any of them you find good if you do – am still learning the craft:

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT. FROM THEN ON IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

“AS I COMPLETED MY TOAST TO THE BRIDESMAIDS, THE USHERS GRABBED MY ARMS AND ESCORTED ME OUT OF THE CHURCH.”

“I STARED AT THE MAN EATING TIGER AND BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS RESTAURANT WAS A TAD TOO EXOTIC FOR MY SIMPLE TASTES.”

“AS THE NOOSE TIGHTENED, IT FELT LIKE MY BREATH WAS BEING FORCED OUT OF MY LUNGS AND MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED INSTANTLY BEFORE ME. WAIT, NOT ‘NOOSE’, I MEAN ‘NECKTIE’.”

“THE TAXIDERMIST’S DOG SEEMED TO HAVE AN INSATIABLE APPETITE. HE WOULD EAT AND EAT AND NEVER SEEM TO BE GETTING ENOUGH. THEN ONE DAY HE WAS STUFFED.”

“THE SHERIFF STARED SOMBERLY INTO HIS DRINK. FOR SOME REASON THINGS IN THE TAME, TAME EAST NEVER SEEMED TO RAISE THE SAME KIND OF ADRENALIN RUSHES THAT HIS COUSIN OFTEN SPOKE OF FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY .”

“AS E.T. FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, HE FLASHED THE BIGGEST GRIN EVER, BUT AS THE LAST COIN HIT THE BOTTOM WITH A LOUD ‘THUNK’, IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON HIM THAT HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE DIALLING CODE WAS.”

“SURE, HE HAD ATTRACTED ALL THE RATS OF THE CITY, BUT WHAT NOW?” THOUGHT THE PIED ORGANIST TO HIMSELF.”

“I IMAGINE, IF YOU’RE PETER PARKER, IT’S A LOT MORE EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU GET DISCONNECTED FROM THE WEB.”

“POW. THE RICE CRISPY WHO LEFT BEFORE THE GROUP WENT BIG.”

“MY MATHS TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT THE TECHNICAL TERM WAS FOR TWELVE TIMES TWELVE AND I SAID, “THAT’S GROSS,” COS SHE HAD A TINY PIECE OF SNOT HANGING OFF THE END OF HER NOSE.”

The Tenth round of Brett Andy voting… fire up those click fingers…

Back in the day there was a funny guy called Jack Handey who wrote deep thorts like:

‘One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I
think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.’ [Jack Handey]

or occasionally slightly darker ones like:

‘I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”‘

These made me smile. They made other people smile. Some people would laugh out loud. A lot. Occasionally someone would hurt themself. Which made me think, I want to hurt people too. But with laughter. And so I set out to try and come up with my own fish-flavoured deep thorts and they became known as Brett Andy’s because well, you know. They are still a work in progress but I have made ten lists of them know and I would love to know if any of the following cause any of the above reactions. If so please leave a comment and name the one or ones you liked:

“Cannibal Pete was struggling to get his car started so I offered him a hand, a decision I would quickly regret.” [Brett Andy]

“She barked twice, following it with a low two second gutteral growl. “Oh no,” I thought, “Timmy has fallen into the well!” [Brett Andy]

“I was disqualified from the hotdog eating competition for chewing on a lukewarm pekinese.” [Brett Andy]

“Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But sell a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day plus you’ll have some extra money.” [Brett Andy]

“Those who live in glass houses, shouldn’t.” [Brett Andy]

“The thing I find fascinating about elephants is their ability to shoot out a powerful stream of water for hours at a time. Wait, not elephants… fire hydrants!” [Brett Andy]

“Scissors are crushed. Paper is cut to shreds. Rock is lying there going, “Oh no, there’s a piece of paper on top of me, what shall I do?” [Brett Andy]

‘“Reddit” said Frog again as the librarian’s patience was starting to wear thin.’ [Brett Andy]

“I tried to call my fiance’. But her phone was engaged. That’s a case of unplanned irony right there my friend.” [Brett Andy]

“If life is like a box of chocolates then I wish I was born in Switzerland.” [Brett Andy]

“I tossed a fortune cookie into a wishing well and instantly created a black hole.” [Brett Andy]

“An item of clothing was in a race with some sports gear the other day. It was a tie.” [Brett Andy]

“I went drag racing the other day, but the heels made pushing the pedals really tricky.” [Brett Andy]

“I wonder if Scottish men at nudist beaches walk around wearing underpants?” [Brett Andy]

brett andy to vote round 7

so once upon a time there was a guy called jack handey who wrote some classic mostly one liners which were funny and random and sometimes both all at once… this inspired me to try my own and we are on the seventh round of voting – so if any of these make you smile or laugh or think about laughing really loudly then please let me know in a comment which ones do it for you…

“Instead of a regular air-bag in your car, how about a whoopee-cushion bag? The melodic farting sound as you have an accident sending out the message that we’re going to have as much fun with this thing as possible.” [Brett Andy]

“At the Beer-and-Chess festival everything was going well until I took a stranger’s castle.” [Brett Andy]

“My parents sent me to improve classes to try get me to come out of my shell, but it didn’t work. The paper mache interior was just too warm and inviting for me to want to leave.” [Brett Andy]

“As I threw my dart straight at the bulls eye I suspected my day at the rodeo might be ending prematurely.” [Brett Andy]

“I went fly-fishing the other day for the first time. I was a complete failure. I still need to figure out how to keep the bait in the air long enough to interest them.” [Brett Andy]

“I took two sheep and a goat to Wall Street but no-one wanted to trade with me.” [Brett Andy]

“I bought an old dog and quickly taught him a new trick. Now I’m scared I may have peaked.” [Brett Andy]

“The other day I was so embarrassed when I went up to a total stranger in the shops and congratulated her on her pregnancy. Turns out he wasn’t.” [Brett Andy]

“I think the real question we should be asking is WHY did the chicken cross the road?” [Brett Andy]

“If a T-Rex ever got into a fight with a man, who would win? Answer: The man. Did I mention it was an intellectual fight?”

“It’s time the world started being a little more sensitive and honouring the fact that maybe Wally is just wanting some alone time away from us all.” [Brett Andy]

“Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa & Po recently swore off technology & each lost around 120 pounds of weight. Now no-one knows what to call them.” [Brett Andy]

“If you’re Happy and you know it, there’s probably a dwarven mining axe somewhere with your name on it.” [Brett Andy]

and if you want to see the full list of brett andy’s head along to http://brettandy.wordpress.com for the rest of them…

latest round of brett andy to vote

so if you’re new here, brett andy comments are those that i make up having been hugely inspired by the far better jack handey quotes such as:

“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”" [Jack Handey]

and:

“I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.”

So i’m not there yet, but i’m working on it and i have a different blog where you can go and see the brett andy’s i’ve come up with so far – http://brettandy.wordpress.com – and i would love it if you can take a moment to read my last ten or so here and comment below on which are your favourite ones – any that made you smile or chuckle or even dare i say lol out loud…

“I’ve always wanted a deadly poisonous snake as a pet. That way I could hold him and chase all the neighbourhood kids and make them run away screaming. And then if he ever bit me, I could… Wait, I’m not sure I thought this all the way through.” [brett andy]

“If a tree in a forest falls on a mime, does it make a sound?” [brett andy]

“If I discovered, after years of following that cheeky little leprechaun, constantly being harassed and worn down emotionally by his relentless trickery and attempts at malicious subversion, that the prize waiting at the end of the rainbow was a pot of gouda, and not the gold I’d been expecting all those years, I think I would be sufficiently cheesed off, if you’ll excuse the language.” [Brett Andy]

“I remember the time I got bitten by a vampire. It really sucked.” [brett andy]

“Surely a much safer request would have been, “Play us a song, you’re the pianoman!” [brett andy]

“What if life goes straight to giving you the lemonade? I’m not sure we’ve been sufficiently prepared for that possiblity.” [brett andy]

“One thing Dracula really hates is being called Batman.” [brett andy]

“I just got a new virgin cellphone. It’s mostly pretty cool although it is hard to reach some of the numbers behind that tiny chastity belt.” [brett andy]

“I’d like to see Count Dracula get selected for the Transylvanian cricket team, cos I’ve always wanted to see his bat.” [brett andy]

“They described his actions as brave. But is it brave to chase down an armed gang of hoodlums with only an orange belt in karate and risk death or possible mutilation simply to retrieve an old lady’s purse. Well, I guess if you’re gonna put it like that, there might some hints of bravery one might possibly attribute to that.” [Brett Andy]

“Do you think if minutes were edible, they’d taste good enough that we’d want to go back for seconds?” [Brett Andy]

brett andy round 3 and some new mjandey – please vote

so by now i assume you know the drill – working on jack handeyesque brett andy one liners and needing some feedback as to which ones work and which don’t – after starting round 3 feeling like i was going backwards i managed to hit two really popular ones and so i may be getting my groove back on – which ones of these made you smile, laugh or feel the need to forward on? Please leave a response letting me know your top ones. Oh and we are privileged to have three Mjandey’s [done by my friend MJ] and so please vote for your favourite out of the three:

brett andy’s:

“I think a cool time to get déjà vu would be after suffering a bout of amnesia because hey, I’m sure I forgot this stuff before?” [brett andy]

“Do you think Count Dracula plays cricket with a vampire bat?” [brett andy]

“I would imagine a horse drawn carriage would be a really ugly thing. With hooves it must be almost impossible to grip a pencil for starters and then there is all that fine detail around the edges to consider.” [brett andy]

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about sushi. To me it’s just the sign of a clever but lazy chef.” [brett andy]

“I don’t think there can be anything in life sadder than watching a mime struggling at Charades. That was your shot, man.”[brett andy]

“I recently caught flu after a long flight overseas. I couldn’t help wondering if i should be annoyed, or quietly impressed by the irony.” [brett andy]

‘I think a cool game would be one that combines baseball with chess, cos “swing at it little bishop, swing with all your might, but you’re more than likely going to strike out, one reason being you’re a lot smaller than the ball, oh and also you have no arms.”’ [brett andy]

“I wonder what people used to use swimming pools for before some guy looked at one and went, “Hey, I wonder what this would be like with water in it?” [brett andy]

“I won the best attendance prize at school but wasn’t able to go and collect it cos I think we went to go watch a movie or something.” [brett andy]

MJANDEYS

“I like oranges. Not for their taste, but their sensitivity to sunlight and trusting personalities.” (MJandey)

“I went to Mount Everest and all I got was this lousy sherpa.” (MJandey)

“Each time I hear the song “These Boots Are Made For Walkin” I always feel I should take my shoes off and go give Christopher his boots back.” (Mjandey)

april 8 brett andy quotes to be voted upon…

so one of my favourite funny people in life is a guy called Jack Handey who used to write one liners that were used on SNL such as:

“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.” [Jack Handey]

and:

“Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” [Jack Handey]

or even:

“It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” [Jack Handey]

some random, some funny, some randomly funny, some just clever and i really dig most of them. So much so that i decided that it is time for me to reach deep within my misdirected randomised humour machine and see if there is anything lurking there that might make people smile or gently laugh and hopefully even one day create a legitimate laughing out loud experience [milk or coke out the nose and i'll have arrived!]

so i’ve started writing some brett [my first name] andy’s [shortened form of my last name, to avoid being sued] and i’m keen to have some feedback… this is my second list of brett andy’s to assess and i would appreciate it if you could read through them and highlight which ones you think really work and which your funniest one or two are [one of them i think is really horrible but overall i think as a whole they're better than my first list]

“I wonder if Bono would have mixed reactions today if he stumbled upon that misplaced item from the past because, yes, I finally have found it after all these years, but the song has gotten pretty big.” [brett andy]

“It really messes with my mind that I’ve got memories of the last time I had amnesia.” [brett andy]

“Slinkies, the series ‘Friends’, Facebook, Terry Pratchett, microwaved chocolate, Johnny Depp, tall wild mochas, Survivor, polaroid sunglasses and astro hockey have all come into existence since the initial dividing up of our bread into toastable pieces. All I’m saying is, it’s high time we update that saying.” [brett andy]

“I sometimes wonder if the very first accident actually involved an axe and the groove that was formed in some surface due to the mindlessly casual swinging thereof.” [brett andy]

“I don’t understand why I have so much bellybutton fluff. I guess I’ve just been incredibly lucky cos I only really started collecting seriously a couple of months ago.” [brett andy]

“I really hate how Coffee keeps me up every night. Why my neighbour had to call his german shepherd that, I don’t think I’ll ever understand.” [brett andy]

“I wonder who the first person was who said, “Hey, why don’t we push a stick through a marshmallow and hold it over the flames and then eat it once it’s melted in the middle,” because that didn’t turn out so badly, did it?” [brett andy]

“I did a search for Spiderman on the web the other day.” [brett andy]

“A mare is simply an adult female horse. I’m just not sure why seeing them after the sun has gone down is so scary.” [brett andy]

“Walking underneath a ladder, after breaking a mirror, is considered to bring you extreme bad luck, especially when there are vicious snarling black cats, that haven’t been fed for a week, standing on every single one of the steps of that ladder. Oh, and also you’re a mouse.” [brett andy]

and another guest Mjandey from MJ:

“The problem with having female tribal leaders is that everyone would always try and make a pun out of Ms. Chief.” [Mjandey]

[to go straight to next page of brett andy's click here]

brett andy [vote for your favourite]

so one of my favourite funny people in life is a guy called Jack Handey who used to write one liners that were used on SNL such as:

‘I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.’ [Jack Handey]

or:

‘Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.’ [Jack Handey]

and:

‘I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!’ [Jack Handey]

some random, some funny, some randomly funny, some just clever and i really dig most of them. So much so that i decided that it is time for me to reach deep within my misdirected randomised humour machine and see if there is anything lurking there that might make people smile or chuckle quietly to themself and hopefully even one day create a legitimate laughing out loud experience [milk or coke out the nose and i've reached the top!]

so i’ve started writing some brett [my first name] andy’s [shortened form of my last name, to avoid being sued] and i’m keen to have some feedback… please read thru the list of what i’ve got so far and if you hate them all that’s fine, but if there was one that, for you, contained the most humour and even possibly brought about the aforementioned smile or even chuckle, then please respond to the note with which one it was. So, basically, if any of these is funny, what would be your number one? [half of them are pretty horrible, but it's early days - actually might be good to hear your best and your worst]

“They say ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth.’ I say, if broth is all you’re looking forward to, you’re pretty much in a heap of trouble already.” [brett andy]

“The art of hay-making must be quite a specified & delicate undertaking hence the urging to do it while sunlight prevails.” [brett andy]

Chuck Norris’ Texas Ranger drove a 1995 Dodge Ram for most of the series, why was he still called Walker? [brett andy]

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a vegetarian and a fish and he won’t even be allowed to eat the fish.” [brett andy]

“I’ve never been a huge fan of water polo. I think it’s the cruelty to the horses that gets to me.” [brett andy]

‘Gandhi once said “an eye for an eye only ends up leaving the whole world blind,” but surely if it was only one eye each it would be more a case of extremely bad global depth perception?’ [brett andy]

“I don’t understand why they call them miners when most of them are over 18. Probly cos they can’t drink while underground.” [brett andy]

Why is it called an avocado pear if you only ever have one of them at a time? [brett andy]

Do you think there are many funny those-formerly-known-as-”bushmen” people? I keep hearing lots about these comic sans… [brett andy]

“If you ever want to show-off to your long-term girlfriend a new shoelace-tying technique you’ve invented, i don’t think the best way to introduce it is by saying, “Hey I’ve got something to show you” and then going down on one knee.” [brett andy]

“I’ll bet rock, paper, scissors was a lot less fun before scissors were invented. And paper.” [brett andy]

“Last nite i dreamt i ate a giant marshmallow and when i woke up my pillow was on the floor next to my bed. It probly got knocked off during the night i imagine.” [brett andy]

“I once read in a biology textbook that if you take your intestines and lay them across four tennis courts, you will die.” [brett andy]

and lastly a bonus one by my friend MJ affectionately known as a MJAndey [because his last name is Phillip] – ‘When life hands you lemons pretend they’re guavas and say ‘these guavas look a bit yellow. I’m going to leave them out to ripen’. Then put them on a table and slowly walk away.’

[to be mysteriously taken directly to the next page of brett andy's simply click here]

and now for a pill of chill

with this blog feeling a little like the west indies cricket team bus after the bangladesh match, i thort it would be good to throw in some humorous…

Firstly some David Robertson:

“If you’re singing in a wedding, I don’t think it’s fair to make you stop just because the bride and groom don’t know who you are.”

“If I got to choose for one entire race to be completely wiped off the face of the earth, I would probably go with the hundred yard dash.”

“I don’t think anyone should ever get an “A” for effort. How about an “E” for effort. That’s all you get.”

“Some people think most UFO sightings are actually weather balloons, but I don’t believe in weather balloons.”

“My friend’s little sister arranged the thumb tacks on a cork board to form a smiley face. Some people told her it was cute, but I thought it was boring and unnecessary.”

and my favourite “I don’t think I could ever have respect for someone who calls pants “drawers”. They’re confusing pants with the place that you put pants.”

followed by a sprinkling of classique metaphor:

‘The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.’

‘Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.’

‘John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.’

‘He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.’

‘The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.’

and of course, ending off with a little Jack Handey:

“One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.”

“I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn’t know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. “THAT’S MISTER SWENSON,” they said. Oh, my mistake.”

“Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.”

“When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.”

“Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for supper?”"

“Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.”

“I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!”

shtupidt people 101: part police…

so i read this article in the restaurant this morning while waiting for my buddy to arrive.

firstly it was set in miami

secondly the premise of it is completely hilarious slash disturbing as in this line: ‘burglars snorted remains of a man and two dogs in the mistaken belief that they had stolen illegal drugs’

thirdly, that’s not the best part

fourthly it goes on ‘once they realised their error the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes, but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers’

and the clincher for me was this: ‘police divers were tring to recover the ashes’

like really? the way the article (Cape Times newspaper, 21 Jan for reference) is written – they were going to return the ashes then threw them (the ashes) into a lake and now police divers are trying to retrieve them. with what? underwater goggle microscopes and a pair of tweezers? in hindsight i guess what would make more sense is if the divers are swimming in the lake looking for the urn, but without that realisation the whole thing seems a lot more gary larsen or jack handey and qualifies for shtupidt people 101 – heeeeere’s your sign…