on why rape [and violence to women in general] HAS to be taken seriously, part 2: Twitter

then, in case that was not enough, i got involved in my first ‘fight’ on the Twitter… [i know, too many people surprised it took me this long, it is possible i just forgot any others that occurred]

it revolved around the hash tag #SafetyTipsForLadies which someone that i followed tweeted and so i went to the link and read a bunch of them and was horrified by the way they seemed to be dealing with rape and violence to women in such a light-hearted and flippant manner… and so i commented on that…

which was not so well received:

Auragasmic ‏@Auragasmic: Rape Prevention Tips ARE A JOKE. “@BrettFishA: having read a bunch of the #safetytipsforladies tweets it feels like it’s a joke.”

Georgia Lewis ‏@georgialewis76:
@Auragasmic @BrettFishA Poor Brett has had an irony bypass…

i even got my own hashtag during it all:

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin:
@BrettFishA Avoid being made uncomfortable by women discussing women’s issues by not clicking #’s you don’t like #safetytipsforbrettfisha

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin
@BrettFishA No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying on the list of voices thar matter yours is near the bottom. Really near the bottom.

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin
.@BrettFishA Right. I’ve been sexually assaulted several times, but your opinion is more valuable because you are a man. I pity you.

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin
Ladies, make sure not to have an opinion around @BrettFishA. It might interfere with his Important Man Voice which is totally marginalized.

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin
@BrettFishA Your attempt to silence women and survivors of assault would be laughable if it was… wait, no, it’s just hilarious.

Liz ‏@childfreediva:
@Auragasmic @BrettFishA “Wear pantsuits at ALL times. Padlock undies.”

and some people did try to explain it all to me in a more friendly way:

James Thomas ‏@RightSaidJames:
@BrettFishA the hashtag is satirising the ineffective safety advice frequently given to women, no disrespect is intended.

Patric Nordbeck ‏@pnPsyPhi:
@BrettFishA @TheMotleyNews as long as its understood the joke isn’t rape per say, but rather the idiotic advice given.. by men.. to women..

The Motley News ‏@TheMotleyNews:
@BrettFishA I’m sorry about your wife, that should never happen! This thread is opening up a dialogue about how this happens too much.

The Motley News ‏@TheMotleyNews:
@BrettFishA And how all too often, women get blamed for their “poor decisions.” I hope she’s okay.

The Motley News ‏@TheMotleyNews:
@BrettFishA I can understand where she’s coming from. It’s just been in my experience, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

The Motley News ‏@TheMotleyNews:
@BrettFishA Sometimes the absurd has to be taken to task. By participating in this, women find their voices in all this ridiculousness.

Tania Jivraj ‏@TaniaJivraj:
@BrettFishA @TheMotleyNews comedy as resistance-highlights that rape prevention ‘techniques’ blame the victim and don’t target rapists.

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin:
@BrettFishA Maybe the people who actually experience those issues should make that decision?

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin:
@BrettFishA No. Unfortunately your wife has experienced it. You have not. You will likely never know how that feels. You may sympathise…

BathtubGin ‏@MsBathtubGin:
@BrettFishA … but you will never know what it is like to be sexually assaulted, the way that 90% or more of the women taking part have.

Jaime Thomas ‏@jaime_fortytwo:
@BrettFishA You’re missing the point. This hashtag is mocking the stupid tips women get to avoid getting attacked/harassed…

Jaime Thomas ‏@jaime_fortytwo:
@BrettFishA Instead of talking about this #, why don’t you talk you your fellow men about not attacking women, if you’re really an ally

Jaime Thomas ‏@jaime_fortytwo:
@BrettFishA But it feels great to let off steam after a whole life of everyone telling you it’s your responsibility to make sure…

Jaime Thomas ‏@jaime_fortytwo:
@BrettFishA …men don’t hurt you, that it’s your fault if they do. Oh, wait, you don’t know how that feels. So pls don’t tell us how to be.

and then Jaime sent me the link to the blog post explaining where the hash tag came from:

Jaime Thomas ‏@jaime_fortytwo:
@BrettFishA No one here is joking about rape. This is the post u should to explain how this started: #SafetyTipsForLadies, or Why Victim Blaming is Moronic which you can read if you click the link [warning: contains some language stronger than that which i traditionally employ in this blog]

i read the article and for the most agreed strongly with the sentiment expressed. but i still didn’t [and don't] understand how that makes the hashtag Safety Tips for Women tips okay… i really don’t get it [and am open to having it explained to me in a bit more depth than a tweet or two allows, but i think this might be an 'agree to disagree' area as there are some topics like rape and molestation and so on that i personally feel should NEVER be joked about. ever. as in never ever. and i know there are people who think otherwise]

but then i scrolled down and read a couple of the tweets that according to my tweet lessons from earlier are “Women letting off steam”, “mocking the stupid tips given to women to avoid getting raped” and “opening up a dialogue about how this all happens too much”:

Hilary Bowman-Smart @hilaryjfb [who started the hashtag and began this all]

If you hide your forearms in your sleeves, the rapist will mistake you for a T-Rex and carry on his way #safetytipsforladies

Hilary Bowman-Smart @hilaryjfb

Do you have sensual long legs? Many rapists like sensual long legs. Consider chopping them off at the knees. #safetytipsforladies

Quirkythrope @jailawrites

If you’re raped, say “I’m a good girl!” Since “good girls” never get raped, the rapist will vanish in a puff of logic #safetytipsforladies

now clearly people are agreeing with this and giving consent to this [first tweet mentioned there got 917 RETWEETS 290 FAVORITES, third one got 292 RETWEETS 96 FAVORITES] but i am just not seeing it…

i really want to understand the point of view of those who think it is okay so please, if you strongly disagree with me here, take some time to write out a comment and share why you think it’s an acceptable response… i showed Val the article and some of the tweets and she agreed that she didn’t think it was okay. so it’s not just a man thing. i fully appreciate Jaime from Twitter who took some time to respond to me and who sent me the link, and also some of the others who gave helpful or insightful responses [even if i didn't necessarily share the same point of view, i don't think that matters but trying to learn from each other does]

the point of view i am approaching this with is that making light of rape in any way feels like it desensitises the word and make it less of the horrific, horrendous, evil thing that it should be kept in mind as…

so please chime in – if you take a look at those tweets do you think they are achieving anything good or just perpetuating what is already a horrific situation [or at least distracting from finding any real solutions to it?] do you think it is ever okay to joke about rape? would your response be different if you knew there was a rape victim in your direct audience? should it? would love to hear your thoughts on this. [or click here to read a conversation between me and Claudine that goes deeper into a lot of this]

Taboo Topics: Cancer [specifically to friends of cancer sufferers] – Meet Heather Martin

Heather Martin is the wife of Robert Anthony Martin, who i met at a protest in Philly that was against an outdoor feeding ban in 2012, and she has agreed to let me use this blog post that she made which deals really well with this aspect…

The No-No List by Heather Martin from her blog ‘Not Quite Right: Faith – Life – Common Sense’ which can be found here.

‘For those of you who don’t know me or are new to my blog, I embarked on the Breast Cancer Journey eight months ago, when I discovered a lump in my left breast. I have had a successful lumpectomy, and have completed eighteen weeks of chemotherapy, and began my radiation treatments this week, which will take me into May.

Those of you who do know me know that I have made it a point to approach this journey with a healthy amount of humor. It’s amazing how much better things seem when you can find something to laugh about.

Sometimes, the things I laugh about are people’s reactions to my cancer, and the things that they say. Probably my favorite comment, which I heard from numerous people during my chemotherapy, was, “You have great color!” I always wondered what color I was supposed to be, if my actual color was unexpected. Purple, perhaps, or a very becoming chartreuse. Over time, I realized that the comment was intended to refer to the fact that I had rosy cheeks despite my treatments, a realization that was cemented after my third treatment when I began suffering from terrible anemia. From that point on, we referred to it as “misplacing my melanin.”

I did a quick internet search this morning to see if there were any articles on “What Not to Say to Cancer Patients,” and I found several. However, I found them all lacking. For one thing, not one of them mentioned misplaced melanin and therefore were, in my book, incomplete. So I decided to make up my own “No-No” list, based on some of the things I have come across this year.

1. When you find out your friend has cancer, please do not relate horror stories. At all. Ever.

There is nothing worse for a cancer patient than hearing, “Oh, gosh! My mother’s father-in-law’s seventh grade gym teacher had a cancer completely unlike yours, and he grew two extra heads before his flesh melted off of his bones!” Listen, honey, my grandfather died of pneumonia, brought on by his compromised immune system from chemotherapy, and I am very well aware of Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts who ended up with secondary cancer after chemotherapy for breast cancer. I know the risks. I know the worst-case scenarios. If your story doesn’t have a happy ending, don’t go there.

2. Don’t question or criticize the cancer patient’s choices of treatment…

…particularly after the procedure is a fait accompli. Once the word Cancer is pasted to your forehead, life becomes a multiple choice test, and each answer has its own level of unpleasantness. There is no decision that does not contain some amount of risk, and there is so much information thrown at the patient that every day feels like finals week in college. So when the little black dots have already been filled in with the #2 pencil and the paper has been turned in, it’s not going to be very helpful to hear, “You know, I read a story last week that says that this procedure you had done two weeks ago is going to make your feet fall off, and turn your earwax fuscia.”

3. Unless you’ve gone through, literally, the same process, give advice at your own risk.

Please do not suggest to a woman undergoing chemotherapy that she should not eat chocolate. Ditto bacon. Double-ditto coffee. You do not want to go there. Trust me, it’s not pretty.

Also, this is a Really Bad Time to bring up obscure little-researched alternative and/or homeopathic treatments with absolutely no solid facts behind them. Now, you may be a firm believer in the healing power of powdered elk-antler. In fact, most people would probably be quite curious should you ask if they’ve heard of the miraculous healing powers of powdered elk-antler. But presenting a cancer patient with, “Only powdered elk-antlers have the power to cure cancer! Any other treatment is going to make your feet fall off, and turn your earwax fuscia!” will probably not end well for you.

4. Don’t ask if you don’t really want to know.

“How are you doing – really?” and “How are your treatments going?” are dangerous questions. You’re really opening yourself up to learning more about the body than you’d prefer to know. You might get a very safe answer about goats throwing themselves off the hills of Gilead (See Song of Solomon…), or a slightly more disturbing relation of fingernails randomly falling off, or… well, trust me, it gets worse. There is no procedure in the breast cancer journey that is not either embarrassing, painful, or gruesome. Or some combination of two of those. Or all three. And after a while, the patient loses all sense of shock, and may be… blunt. So, unless you really want to know, stick with something safe and vague. And don’t be afraid to say, “TMI!”

5. For the love of all that’s chocolate, enough with the Facebook Cancer Support Pictures already!

Now, I think most cancer patients will understand and appreciate the sentiment, knowing they’re being thought of by their facebook friends as they’re going through their treatments. But, speaking for myself, when my friends post every prayer, dove, flower, rainbow, candle, butterfly, and fluffy kitten picture “honoring someone who has fought or is fighting cancer”, all it does it make facebook one more place where I can’t escape the reality of my disease.

If you really want to honor those fighting cancer, if you really want to bless me, go out and do something tangible. Call your local cancer center and offer to put together some goodie bags for people starting on their chemo journey (I got one, and it blessed me enormously!). Grow your hair long, and then cut it for Locks of Love. Knit or crochet soft caps with fun yarns for women who are left with zombie hair. Volunteer to drive cancer patients to their treatments. These things will have so much more impact on the lives of cancer patients than a picture on your facebook wall.

6. Don’t assign your emotions to the cancer patient.

No, really. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to have an argument with someone who won’t believe that I’m not depressed? That I’m fatigued because of the medication, not because of emotional distress? There have been times where I’ve gotten a little hot under the collar trying to get someone to believe that, actually, I’m quite happy, and have a supernatural amount of joy and peace, goshdarnit!!!!!

Ahem.

7. Don’t wait for the cancer patient to initiate contact.

I’ll admit that I’ve become a bit of a recluse since I was diagnosed with cancer. Part of this is because I simply don’t have the energy to think past what I need to do. Good grief, I’ll sit here for half an hour thinking about something I need to do before I actually get up and do it.

Part of it can also be completely explained with the words Chemo Brain. This is for real, folks. Chemo completely messes with your brain. My trains of thought have been known to get lost on a straight track. They have derailed before pulling out of the station. It’s really sad.

So if you haven’t heard from me, it may be because I sat by the phone for half an hour thinking about calling you, but by the time I get around to picking up the receiver, I’ve forgotten what I was going to do.

Don’t be afraid to take the initiative of calling, thinking they need their rest, or want to be left alone. The chances are pretty good that a call from a friend would be just what the doctor ordered!

************************

I hope you have been able to read this article with the humor and humility with which it was written. I recognize that I have also said and done all the wrong things when I have come across someone going through tragedy or illness. So this was not written to be either critical or sarcastic. These are, honestly, things which have made me smile because I have seen how much my friends and my family care for me. This is not a journey I would have chosen, but I am so much stronger for it.’

pearls before winners

yes, yes, you know it – favourite cartoon strip blah blah blah Pearls before Swine… this one being incredible both for the humour but more importantly for the invention of the word “winnery”

[join my PBS campaign - for years now i have been subtly trying to encourage Stephan Pastis, creator of Pearls Before Swine to add a new character - that of a yellow and white stuffed dolphin called No_bob [because he doesn't bob] who is not real [he's just a toy so pretty much just lies there] to no avail… why not drop him a mail or a tweet @stephanpastis and suggest the very same thing yourself… he’s got to crack soon…]

Encyclopedias before Swine…

i love Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis – it’s usually good, but every now and then it’s this:

a response to a nonny miss? part v: a glimpse into the why

so there was this email, and by now i think we’re all up to speed with that – this was part of it:

Brett-boy, you need to rethink how you spend your energy.
And here I’m speaking in particular about the humor side of your energy. To take an example: Brett, let’s be honest: your youtube videos suck. Big time. And I don’t even see the purpose in it. Will you really stand before the Jesus one day and when He asks you “So how did you spend your valuable time?” answer “Well, there are these youtube videos I made.”
Humor is good. But it must be part of the bigger mission.
You do many good things. Focus on that. You have limited time. You have limited energy. You have a (God-graciously-given) large audience. Use it well.

so there was kind of an almost question in there of ‘why do i make silly you tube videos?’ [and if you are completely unaware as to which you tube videos we are discussing here it is the mildly popular 'Dangerous Things You Can Least Expect' series of Brad Fish warning clips and i would recommend starting with the remade Paper one, or else Punctuation or the latest, and in my opinion funniest, on Violins.

there are actually a couple of reasons why i have continued to make the DTYCLE videos, altho it may have started with a lot less:

i think firstly, i want to make people laugh. i know - guilty as charged. i just think for a lot of people life is often quite tough and challenging and that a good [or even a medium] laugh is something that can help lift peoples spirits. listening to my buddy Mark laugh himself silly while watching the violins one with me just the other day was proof enough for me that the whole series has been worthwhile.

secondly, as with a lot of stuff i do, it is intentionally about building an audience. i feel like i have a message of life to the fullness that everyone in the world could do with hearing – it is the message of how living a Jesus-following life will revolutionise your life and the lives of people around you. i believe that with all my heart and desperately want others to experience the same. and so i tend to find myself doing some things that are not overtly spiritual in feel or look that might attract people towards the direction of where i will be sharing some more about that. if you enjoy a DTYCLE video then at some point you may say to yourself, ‘let’s see what else this dude has going on’ and might end up at a blog or a podcast or thought or on my facebook page. Paul, in his letter to the Corinthian church, says this – ‘I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.’ [1 Corinthians 9.21b-23] i am completely not ashamed of the ‘devious intentions’ aspect of my humour posts – if it wasn’t the best life imaginable, then maybe i’d need to think a little longer and harder about it, but i’m convinced.

so making people laugh and introducing them indirectly to the kingdom. those are probably the primary two reasons. but some more emerged as the series progressed.

family. this is not one i planned, but was a happy accident that happened along the way. my mom is from England and so although she has a brother there who had four kids [i hope i'm not forgetting anyone - David, Julie, Mark and Andrew, right?] they live so far away that we have never been in huge contact. it’s not that we don’t like them – it’s just that we never got a chance to really know them. enter DTYCLE… and for some reason my cousin David somehow got to watch one and enjoyed it and the rest is history – we have connected in far greater ways than DTYCLE and i have also gotten to connect with some of his kids through the same medium and so we have shared laughs and grown that into greater discussions and resource sharings [David is a muso and gives away his songs for free] and better opportunity to virtually get to know each other better – for that reason alone DTYCLE has been completely worth it.

education. this was definitely not planned and probably more a sense of ‘what not to do’ than the other way around, but i am aware of at least three schools [and one whole english department within one school] that used my DTYCLE Punctuation video in their English classes in an educational manner of some type. [weirdos!]

sanity. this was more a discovered one then a planned one, but towards the end of our time at The Simple Way i found that sometimes it was just good for me to do something ridiculously silly [as the DTYCLE videos are] just simply for my sanity. they provided me with an avenue to be alone for a few minutes [a completed video takes less than 20 minutes to make - three takes tops cos then i get bored] and just go a little bit lady gaga. and that was good.

 

so those are some of the main reasons that come to mind.

i guess i should end off with a word about the spiritual/secular divide cos i guess this plays into that. there has been a tendency in the church at times to divide life into those two areas – so attending a prayer meeting or singing worship is seen as ‘spiritual’ whereas having a braai with some mates or watching a movie or recording a you tube video will be seen as ‘secular’. i don’t think that’s good theology at all. Jesus calls us to follow Him with our whole lives, and when we really ‘get’ that we realise that actually everything is spiritual – a lot of christians seem to miss that one and so there can be a disconnect between calling yourself a christian and the way that you spend your time or the things you choose to post/support on facebook or the kinds of music you listen to or the way you spend your money and so on… but when we truly understand what following Jesus means in terms of denying yourself, taking up your cross daily and following Him [luke 9.23] then we realise that everything we do becomes a part of our Christ-following life.

the key is inviting God to be a part of everything you do which will mean being motivated by Love and Grace and promoting life-to-the-fullness and so i encourage you to look at different areas of your own life and see if they line up with this.

Mandela says…

i have been working on my 9gag skills thankx to my buddy liam bruce wantenaar and this one suddenly hit me and i like it.

Dangerous Things You Can Most Recently Expect

so when i am bored or creative or feeling that little bit extra’ly silly i make videos called ‘Dangerous Things You Can Least Expect’ as a character called Brad Fish who speak a bit different like and look at a different topic which you might have think was innocentful but will soon discover can be dangerist in many different forms or ways… there are now 17 of these which i shamelessly plug on facebook and twitter and anywhere else i can, and if you haven’t seen them yet, here are the latest 5 i did…

[Blocks]

[Friendship]

[Camping]

[Bacon]

[Birthdays]

Of course if you somehow only managed to stumble on them here and if you do like them at all [shares and links and likes are all appreciated] then you can find a list of the rest of them right over here.