Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Nicole of Graeme and Nicole

a little while ago [well, a month it seems] i started a series called Taboo Topics where i wanted to look at some serious issues in life that deeply affect people but that rarely get spoken about. The first one, losing a baby, was something that had been on my heart for a long, long time because of knowing some friends who had been through it and having a glimpse of how devastating it must be, especially if you are carrying it along and feeling like you are the only one… an old friend of mine, Graeme, boldly stepped forward and shared their story from his perspective and a lot of people read it and were encouraged and it is now my privilege to share the same story, but from his wife Nicole’s perspective. Thank you, Nicole, for the strength you show in sharing this with us:

As you can see, it’s taken me a whole month to work up the courage to read this blog…. When Graeme told me that Brett had asked if he could post our story, I was not in a good head space, so told Graeme to go ahead, but that I couldn’t do it. Now, with Zoe’s 5th anniversary behind me, I feel I’m in a better space now, so I thought I’d head on over here and read all the stories he’s posted so far. Each of them broke my heart…. I know the pain hidden under the words each of them uses.

As with all couples, even having experienced the same event, my journey has been different to Graeme’s. As a mother, you connect with your child physically and emotionally long before it’s born. When I heard the news initially, that the doc couldn’t find a heartbeat, I was so sure it was just faulty equipment. I went into denial immediately. But after half an hour, the reality finally hit me. I was so devastated, and crying so hard, I nearly vomited on the floor. When the doc told me that it would be better for me physically, as well as emotionally, to go through natural labour (Zoe was 37 weeks), I wanted to hit her. I thought for sure she was joking. Yet, in retrospect, she was absolutely right.

We were given a private labour ward, with a dedicated mid-wife (so no extraneous staff wandering in and out, or noise from other labour wards to bother us), and at the end, our minister and his wife were allowed to join us, so we could wash Zoe, dress her, and hold a short ceremony for her immediately. I still remember the sound her body made as it slipped from me…. a dull thud followed by silence….

We didn’t find out until later that the name Zoe means life.

Something that gave me (and continues to give me) tremendous comfort was a vision that one of my friends had in which she saw Jesus take Zoe into heaven cuddled in his arms. To know that she’s loved, and cared for, and is in the best possible place…that is a great source of comfort to me.

I don’t believe that God made this happen. I don’t believe that God even allowed this to happen. Something as evil as killing an innocent, unborn child on the cusp of life could only come from the pit of hell itself. For the longest time though, I blamed God for failing to take action, for failing to save Zoe’s life.

Now though, I have Nathan (his name means ‘Gift of God’). There’s no way he will ever replace Zoe – not in a million years. But I know that if she had not died, he would not have been born. Right from the get-go, when we dedicated him, we asked that God would use him to heal and bless, and to bring joy into the lives of those he touches. God has honoured our prayer, and Nathan has already brought such healing and joy into ours.

I still don’t know ‘why’ Zoe died. I don’t know why we were targeted in this way. I don’t for one minute believe that Zoe’s death was part of God’s plan. Yet, I know that God has redeemed what Satan intended for evil. For both Graeme and I, our faith has been tested in the fire. The dross has been (and is being) burned away. Although we’ve still got a-ways to walk, I know that now our faith is real in a way that it never was before. We’ve also been able to comfort others with the comfort we have received – through Born Sleeping (our support group). Plus there is the blessing of the child who would not have been – Nathan – if not for his sister’s death.

As Graeme said, the grief is never far from the surface, but that doesn’t mean our lives are joyless. We have simply learnt how to tolerate indescribable pain, to allow it to wash over and through us, until we can breathe again. We have learnt how to live and love and laugh despite our pain. Having said that, please don’t think I’ve got grief taped, or that I have all the answers. If I were to go through this again, as Sandi & Mike, and Debbie & Bruce, have had to do I think I’d probably fall apart just as much, just as quickly, and take just as long to be put back together.

Losing a child…. it really is one of the hardest things any parent can go through, and unless you’ve been through it yourself, with the greatest respect, I don’t think you have a clue what it’s like…. which is probably why so many people don’t like to talk about it: everyone else says such banal things, insensitive things, the platitudes that are like a dagger in your heart and a slap through the face. Which is why Brett’s blog is so important. We need spaces to talk openly about our pain, and about how the pain makes us re-evaluate our lives, our values, our beliefs, our faith, our hopes, our dreams, our plans. And others need to hear it, to learn how to deal with us, and to help us grapple with issues of faith.

So thanks, Brett, for having the courage to open the lid on on this can. I just hope the worms turn into butterflies sooner rather than later.

Nicole [Nicole Masureik and Graeme Broster]

Born Sleeping Website – http://bornsleeping.wordpress.com/
Born Sleeping Facebook Page – http://www.facebook.com/pages/Born-Sleeping/150344014978601

if you would like to read the other stories that were shared, click here.

big brother [part ii]

it has been in the context of ‘being wronged’ that i have noticed it. and also brought up by an email i received the other day asking how we can be okay with the fact that God ordered genocide in the old testament [a really important question which i have grown up not asking - killing of many in the old testament was always seen as okay because it was 'the goodies killing the baddies' and i don't think i ever stopped to think much at all about the fact that they were real people with families and dreams and so on...]

in terms of someone who i think has caused offence to me [often a dangerous sign - "offence is not given, it's taken"], there is this inherent thing of violation of my rights [often a dangerous sign - the louder i get about proclaiming something that is seen as a right to me, the more i often need to look deeply within my heart, past my selfishness, pride and greed] and i NEED THIS PERSON TO PAY.

now what is unfortunate is that ‘this person’ is usually someone who is, or was, or should be, close to me [in the story, it is the guy's brother] and the basic truth of the situation is that i am wanting them to suffer [because they did that thing that was unacceptable to me] and so with the story of the lost son, the father tries to focus on the heart of the story: ‘this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found’ [verse 32]

the story is of a misguided son who gives in to temptation and greed and heads off and squanders his money and ends up with nothing and returns, absolutely broken, to try and get a job as a servant on his father’s farm… and the older son tries to make it all about himself. WHAT ABOUT ME?

and i’ve seen that in myself, and it is ugly, but while i am feeling offended or holding tightly to my rights, it becomes very easy to forget that this story also involves someone else, who is often broken and hurting and messed up and confused and when Jesus looks at them from the cross and gasps out, “Father, forgive them, for hey do not know what they are doing.” [Luke 23.34], i can hear myself wailing in the background, “No, wait a minute, what about me? I have been wronged. Is no one going to do anything? What about meeeeeeeee?”

romans 12 talks about us offering our bodies as living sacrifices which are holy and pleasing to God [ones which are screaming "he/she must pay!" may not fit so well into that category don'tchathink?] and goes on to say, ‘Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’ [Romans 12.1-2] and so once again, we hear that in the kingdom Jesus came to speak about, everything is turnedon its head. What is ‘a right’, is freely given up. Offence is cast to the side.

what is brought to the fore is Love. Crazy, unbelievable, nonsensical, indescribable, ridiculous, make-a-mockery-out-of-offence, sacrificial, unmerited Love.

may that become my go to place. may i be identified more as the father in the story and less as the brother.

big brother [part i]

we all know the much told story of the prodigal son, right? in fact, i even wrote a poem about it once, imagining the prodigal son had gone prodigal again [as one does] which you can take a look at here, but if you in fact don’t know the story, you can look it up in Luke 15.11-32.

and we all focus on the bad son and how we relate and the clever preachers tell us how it should be renamed ‘the good father’ or something like that [i wonder if anyone has ever juxtapositioned it with 'The Godfather' because the comparison/contrast seems like a natural go to] but in the last couple of weeks it is interesting to note how much i keep finding myself comparing myself to the older brother.

which is not a good thing. he was always the wimp and the whiner. it’s like, “dude, free party, go inside” and i think i used to get annoyed with people who would compare themselves to him when i was growing up, cos i just couldn’t see it. He is just a complete lamehead.

so it does concern me to keep finding myself comparing me to him, cos what would ten year younger brett think of me? [that guy has been popping up in all sorts of conversations and scenarios lately, although to be honest i think he would have got arrested or beaten up yesterday in the situation down the street with the police and the neighbors and the car crash, cos that guy sometimes could not hold his mouth...]

let’s remind ourselves:

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” Luke 15.22-32

to be continued here…

Losing weight, while needing to find some. [a message to the wronged]

so i have been going to gym, with my good friend from across the street, Coe aka Cobra [aka creator of the most powerful beast in the world - the Snuck - it's a snake, but it looks like a duck so you think it's all cute and innocent and go to stroke it, but watch out, it's a SNAKE!!!] [disclaimer: Coe has not actually created any Snucks as of yet so back of PETA, he has just visualised them, put down the placard and step slowly away from it] for close to two months now and we’ve been pretty good at going three to four times a week [which, with our crazy schedule is quite impressive and means on most days a 5am wake-up call, especially when i haven't!]

and i don’t have access to a scale so i’m not sure how much good it has done – we go to Planet Fitness which is a No Judgement gym and so part of that is not having a scale [or wearing jeans while you work out apparently?] for some reason. i know Coe has lost weight cos he told me and i still feel as fat as when i started [not Fat Albert fat, but just more forward in the stomach department than i would optimally like to be] altho in a totally unrelated story none of my long pants fit without falling down all the time [my conspiracy theory is that my stomach stretched them out so that they are bigger than me as opposed to i lost any weight] so basically what i am trying to say is i should find a scale. but something is clearly happening and apparently the stomach holds on to fat the longest.

in other news, i am trying to gain weight, no wait, needing to gain weight… three different situations in my life at the moment call for me to be ‘the bigger man’ – two that directly relate to me and one that is within the community we live and move in and relates to friends of mine… and it strongly looks like if i don’t step up in any of those situations and say something, that no-one else will and they will simply be buried in the sand until such time as they get dragged out when the next thing happens…

to add to that, this is i feel the story of my life, a situation happening where someone has to intervene and a number of other people potentially being able to, but the reality of if i don’t do it, it really is unlikely to happen…

and kinda like going to the gym, i kinda know what i have/need to do, but i don’t really want to. and kinda like the gym it’s because i’m tired and it’s a mission and there will be some degree of feeling bad before any feeling good comes out of it. and kinda like the gym i feel like there is a certain cost i need to pay to go there…

but then an email sent in love from a friend kicks me in the butt and strongly-but-in-love reminds me that i have to go there… and then i read this passage which would be a lot more fun if it said “there remember that you’ve been a plonk and need to go sort it out,” but it doesn’t, instead it says:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” [Matthew 5.23-24]

‘Your brother or sister has something against you’ can definitely be because you were a plonk. but it can also be that they were a plonk. either way, before you continue worshiping Me, says the Lord, go and sort out your crap.

‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’ [Romans 12.18]

Words we like to ignore. Because it is far easier to walk away and give up on one friendship or relationship when we have so many others that require less work, effort, doscomfort, cost.

But, as with gym, this is meant to be a No Judgement zone.

and as with gym, you have made a commitment to something and if you don’t live that out, then you have wasted a lot of something.

and as with my scaleless gym it might take me a while to figure out exactly what difference is being made, and maybe none that i can see now [maybe none ever] but by doing the right thing and continuing to be the person to stand up and approach and seek peace and right relationship, i can be confident that some difference is happening.

as i read once and strongly believe, “Offence isn’t given, it’s taken.” and so if i am feeling offended or wronged or hard done by, by those around me, then i really need to start my journey at the mirror and then probably proceed to my knees or face, before standing up and being the bigger person and doing the right thing.

all of this has been well modelled by a man who did no harm to anyone and yet was betrayed and denied and spat upon and beaten and hung on a tree by the very people He came to Love and Teach and Heal and Raise from the dead and yet His response was not holding on to the offence caused and letting that become His identity, but rather the quite revolutionary opposite extreme:

‘Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”‘ [Luke 23.34a]

i guess if we say we’re following Jesus, then we should really… follow Jesus. yes?

[with special thankx to Gnomus Brooks, Saint Mandy, Rob and others for being the piercing light through the darkness i found myself in]

who would win a fight between matt redman [never once did we walk alone] and john ellis [formerly of tree63]?

i’ve been blogging for a little over two years now and i enjoy having a space to write my thorts or share my actions or be seriously silly or intriguingly insightful and a whole host of other stuff in between…

and in that time it is the stuff i’ve written on relationships that has been the most widely read… so from ‘How to Love Your Woman Better’ to keys to ‘having a good marriage [ideas submitted by friends i know who are married well]‘ to the ‘i kissed dating series’. Then, recently, the first of the Taboo Topics series i have started [trying to look at issues that a lot of people have but rarely discuss] was really successful and hopefully assisting a lot of people who have struggled with losing a baby. A few brave people sharing their stories in the hope that it will bring encouragement, inspiration and hope to others going through the same thing.

so those are the blog topics that have really got a lot of attention… but there have been two other topics/themes/people that have popped up in my “TOP SEARCHES” spot on my blog, and, would you know it, as i go to find out what it is called, it proves my point… so before i announce the point, let me share with you today’s top searches which led people to my blog:

brett fish anderson, john ellis christian, brent fishes blog, never once did we walk alone, john ellis tree63

ha ha, when i go to check yesterday’s to see if they match up, someone reached my page by asking the question, “why did matt redman leave soul survivor?” i fear that will be a question that is never truly answered to my satisfaction…

and so that is the answer – from week to week to week, the two things that keep popping up in searches for my blog are ‘John Ellis’ who i blogged about possibly two years ago [and more specifically, 'is John Ellis a christian?'], here and also here… and matt redman and more specifically the words to his song ‘never once did we walk alone’ which i posted a while back over here…

i am not really sure why those two topics have been the ones that continue to lure people to my writing [which feels like it happened so long ago - why is no-one searching for 'somewhat funny bad afrikaans accent instructional warning-of-potential-danger you tube videos' because surely that is something people are struggling to sleep at night for?] but i thort it would be interesting to pose the question in the subject line, because i already know the answer.

i have met both matt redman [interviewed him on CCFM radio many years ago, connected with him briefly at Soul Survivor Holland and was an attendee at a Matt Redman/Chris Tomlin/Louis Giglio panel discussion held for a bunch of worship and church leaders a couple of years ago at Jubilee church in Cape Town] and john ellis [mc'd for the band when they were still called Tree and i was a dj at CCFM, emailed a few times and had coffee with him in KZN two years ago, hung out with him when he gigged in Stellenbosch and mc'd a gig where he performed as himself at Arisefest in KZN in 2010].

and so when you take the question, ‘who would win a fight between matt redman [never once did we walk alone] and john ellis [formerly of tree63]?’ the answer is definitively that john would win. no doubt. because matt redman would not fight!

the first time i met matt i was a precocious know-it-all radio dj for a christian radio station and yet, as much as i asked him if he was a vegetable which one would he be? and other lame questions like that, all he wanted to do was talk about Jesus.

the second time i was around him he was one of two co-worship leaders at the Holland version of Soul Survivor [2001 i think] and i remember the one time the other worship leader antonie fountaine was leading a few thousand young people in worship and matt moved over to the side of the stage and sat with his legs dangling over the edge of the stage, playing his guitar and just really being out of the way of it all. just screamed ‘humility’ at me and any time i have been near or around me i have never seen anything to suggest otherwise.

and then there is john ellis, who has a song called “come out fighting” which i enjoy, as i do most of his first solo album. and having spent a bit of time with him and watched him do one or two gigs is quite a fitting description of the kind of head space he is in at the moment [or was, a year ago]. i really enjoyed my one on one coffee date i had with john two years ago – we have a similar sense of humour and have been inspired by some of the same books. he has an incredible gift in terms of writing and playing and singing, there is no doubt about that, and when he uses that for Jesus he is a force for the kingdom of heaven, that the gates of hell will not stand against…

but then we had an unfortunate incident at the gig i was mc’ing that he played at, and it’s not important to go into details, but the bottom line was that we went from being friends and him buying me a coffee before he went on stage and then cutting all contact off with me a few days later when he reacted to my blogged response of the incident. more than a year later and i have tried on a number of occasions to make contact and see if we can discuss what happened or move on, and i even emailed him during the writing of this blog [which is now into its third day] to let him know i was writing something and offering to send it to him before i posted it in case he wanted to approve/comment and am still to hear from him…

i don’t know if this is the right space or way but i have tried a lot of ways to connect with him and at the moment anyone who does a search for john ellis and ends up on my blog, gets the early stuff i wrote which was about giving him a chance and the benefit of the doubt and having a conversation with him… i figure there are a few people who read this who know john and so maybe you can pass on the message… some stuff happened, a long time ago now, and it’s beyond time to make up and talk it out if necessary or just move on… how about it john?

someone once said [and it has been repeated by a lot of someones since then] “Preach the gospel always. When necessary use words.” and for me, that statement has always felt more like an excuse from those who don’t want to say the name ‘Jesus’ than an encouragement to live out what you believe. because the reality is that it has to be both… if you only ever speak the good news and it is not lived out, then it will have no meaning, relevance or authenticity to those hearing it… and if you only ever live the gospel but never speak the name Jesus as the author and reason behind why we do what we do, then there is going to be a lot of good done, but no or little opportunity for life-transforming life change.

so the phrase i am working on looks something like this – “Preach the gospel in what you say and how you live. When necessary, refrain from words.”

Up to your cross I crawl
Now I am standing ten feet tall
Jesus my savior look what you’ve done for me

Free at last I’m free
I owe you my life completely
Yahweh Yahweh look what you’ve done for me

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Sandi and Mike

The 18 August 2009 is the day that life changed for Mike and I.

It was the day that we saw our baby on the sonar screen for the first time, but instead of tears of joy, tears of indescribable sadness flowed as we saw our quiet, lifeless baby on the screen with no heartbeat. At home that evening Mike and I sat very quiet on the couch, staring at the tv feeling completely numb. 2 days later I was in hospital to have the baby removed. I tried SO hard to be strong but as I was wheeled into theatre I looked back and saw Mike in his mothers arms in tears, my heart broke.

6 Months later I was pregnant again. It was a new year with new beginnings. After 1 successful ultrasound we were reassured that things were looking good. However, 2 weeks later at a routine ultrasound appointment the doctor once again had the awful job of telling us that she ‘was sorry’ but there was no heartbeat! I lay there thinking no, no, no, not again – this really cant be happening again? She wanted me to try miscarry naturally as during the first procedure my uterus was perforated and she wanted to limit as much trauma to my uterus as possible. But after a week I had to go back to theatre to have the baby removed. What pained me most was signing a paper that stated that I gave them permission to “burn all contents of my uterus”. Is that it all was? The “contents of my uterus” was a little boy!

We were then referred to a specialist at a fertility clinic who did tests and discovered that I had a septum in my uterus which could “possibly” have been the cause for the previous miscarriages. So, once again, I was wheeled into theatre to have the septum removed. Mike, again, my constant supporter and encourager!

10 Months later I was pregnant again. To find out on Christmas day that we were expecting was the most amazing feeling ever! This had to be it? The weeks leading up to this occasion had been incredibly stressful as it involved scans and blood tests to assess my ovaries so that I could start taking extra hormones at exactly the right time. Unfortunately, our world came crashing down again. This pregnancy was very short lived and once again we said goodbye too early.

Very soon after that I fell pregnant again! This HAD to be it? People were praying, my uterus was healthy, I was taking the right amount of hormones – everything was perfect? After 3 fantastic ultrasounds, our baby boy was growing so well. Good strong heartbeat, growing perfectly. Until the 9 March 2011, when our world collapsed again. Routine ultrasound showed out baby’s heart had stopped beating. My doctor just held me and we both sobbed. 2 days later I was back in theatre having yet another operation. 7 weeks later after being referred to yet another fertility specialist, I ended up back in theatre as there was still placental tissue that hadn’t been removed from my uterus and was causing problems. This was all we could handle – enough was enough!

It has been a journey that Mike and I NEVER thought we would go on. It was not something we had discussed before we got married – “what if we struggled to have kids?” It just seemed like a given – like a package deal when you get married – you have kids too.

We have been through some very low patches emotionally, spiritually and financially. It took months to get through a church service without sobbing and it took a year since the last loss to pay off our medical bills. We held a special memorial service in June last year with close family and friends. That was a turning point in our journey. To be able to openly share our pain with those who love us the most was so special! The grief we feel is definitely for the little souls we have lost, but also for the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Will we be parents? Are we willing to put ourselves through another pregnancy which might or might not work? This journey has caused us to drift from certain friends and get closer to others. The lessons we have learnt along this journey are invaluable. The things we have discovered about each other are just so special. We have definitely grown closer through this process and have a much greater appreciation for one another. It bothers me when people say “oh, look how blessed you are because you are pregnant or have kids”. Where does that put the couple who have lost kids or are struggling with infertility? It makes us feel like we have done something wrong to not be blessed? I have learnt that I mustn’t measure how blessed I am by what I have or don’t have. We are all blessed because of the fact that Jesus died on the cross – not because of what we have or don’t have.

I don’t know what our future looks like? It doesn’t have the fairytale ending that we had hoped. We still have baby clothes but no baby, so much baby love to give but no baby. But one thing I am SURE of is that we serve a faithful God who loves and cares for us beyond what we could think possible. Through all our hard times we have KNOWN God’s peace and healing in our lives. We came to a point where we thought that we actually can’t go on, but here we are. Sharing our story with others in the hopes that it encourages others to keep going.

I can’t wait to get to heaven one day, meet my babies and for God to say to me “Well done, My good and faithful servant!”

Blog: www.sandalsgilmour.blogspot.com

[Sandi and Mike Gilmour]

Loving your woman [or man] better and/or the art of marriage

so i know my latest blog series on Taboo Topics has been difficult for a number of people to read, both those having gone through it and also those who are on the way to having their first child… i do think they are extremely valuable for those people the are meant for though and so will continue to post them but in the meantime for everyone else [and also those people] i thort it might be helpful to post links to two of my most successful and popular blog series from the past:

the first one was titled ‘how to love your woman better’ but it was really about how to be in a good relationship and so it works for women as well to read cos generally the principles work both ways – it is a series of posts with each one having a link to the following one and so you can read as many or as few as you please [and as always, if you think any of them will be helpful to anyone you know, feel free to pass on]:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/how-to-love-your-woman-better-part-arguing-well-part-i-of-iii

followed by the ones written specifically to the women:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/how-to-love-your-man-better-by-not-me

and secondly i presented an 18 part series where i got a bunch of friends i know who i think are married well to share a secret or key to having a good marriage and so there are a variety of comments here which are valuable to those married and to anyone one day hoping to be:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/how-to-save-a-marriage-before-you-need-to-part-i

hope those inspire and refresh and bring joy…

i don’t want that.

i don’t want abortions to happen, but i don’t want to adopt a child or support a home that looks after abandoned kids

i don’t want drug dealers on my back door step, but i don’t want to come up with an alternative for the guys whose only income comes through selling drugs

i don’t want racism, but i don’t want to take the time to really engage with someone of a different race or culture in meaningful long term relationship where i eventually get to a place where i start to just treat them as my friend and not “my [insert race/culture] friend”

i don’t want young people sleeping around before they get married, but i don’t want to take time building relationship with a young couple and meeting with them regularly to walk the journey with them, being open about the struggles i went through when i was dating and when we were engaged and how sometimes we didn’t have quite the victory over them that we wanted to

i don’t want divorce, but i don’t want to stop using jokes or language that take digs at marriage, and applauding, sharing or celebrating when others do, and i don’t want to be open about the struggles i have in my own marriage that might help others who are struggling feel better about the fact that they are not the only ones who are, or offer to walk a long, tough journey of accountability and being there for those who are battling

and more.

it can be very easy to say ‘No!’ sometimes without providing a creative “Yes!” and i think we need to take a long, hard, deep, thoughtful look at our lives, our relationships, the things we are strongly against [and what things we are strongly for that by the very nature of them happening or being pursued will wipe out some of the things we are against] and see if providing a healthy, creative, Godly, community “Yes!” might be within our grasp and worth giving a lot of time and energy and money towards…

sometimes we don’t need to fight the darkness, as much as we need to bring some light into the dark place… it is the light which causes the darkness to flee

what don’t you want?

why marriage is like dancing

my good friend Mel [or Melissa Jayne Donaldson of you listen to Facebook] sent me a link to this article on marriage which covers a few steps [harr] that the recent marriage series didn’t and is a very light and easy read:

7 Marriage Lessons Learned on the Dance Floor by Jen Smidt

for all the daters out there

so i have just posted the last [for now at least] post in the marriage series which ended up being a great 18 blog posts written by a whole bunch of my friends who are married well and passed along some really great marriage-enhancing advice and tips and wisdom. the beautiful Valerie ad myself might add some thorts of our own later but we’re about to head for Texas to visit my sister and her family…

anyways, looking at blog stats, this has been the second hugest blog visitation i have had with the largest being the series i did on dating and so i thort it would be good to repost links to some of those that were really popular in case you missed them and want to check out some insights on that area of life:

i think this was the intro blog to the series and links to future blogs…

followed by ‘i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Ladies!’ which was muchly visited and discussed and forwarded

a two parter written by the beautiful Val which is a must read as with most of what she writes…

and of course for the men – ‘i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Men?’

and then if you find any of those really helpful, there was a whole series of them that you could discover on my blogsite but just thort these would touch a different group than those who the marriage ones have been for… hope you find them helpful and if so please pass on…