Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Grant and Mauri

Itʼs July, Mauri phones to tell me the news, weʼre pregnant again. Whoohoo! We had been trying and Mauri had had a dream in which a date for a birth of a baby was given. So the news was, well, wow perhaps God had spoken to us about the actual birthday! We did a calculation and due date was in the ʻdate proximityʼ. Sure it was very early days, but God had spoken hadnʼt he, and so we started dreaming: is it a boy or a girl? What will they look like, be like? And how will they play with Kristen?

A couple of weeks later Mauri comes into the lounge with an anxious, slightly panicked look on her face, she is spotting and the bleeding was getting heavier. The next day we are in our doctorʼs surgery and he confirms our fears. A miscarriage.

Itʼs only a miscarriage, just a miscarriage, we carry on with life, right? Hey in the old days no one would have even known, and the bleed put down as a late period. Thatʼs what some have said. I begin thinking along those lines too: itʼs not like weʼve lost a baby. Or have we? Almost as if right there and then i have the wrestle of our time: when does life begin? Iʼm struggling to know what i should be feeling in the midst of Mauriʼs emotions, strengthened by hormonal changes in her body. I write to a mentor of mine and his wisdom to us is that we need to name the baby and say goodbye. That shouldnʼt be too difficult? Mauriʼs instinct was that it was a girl. We had a name we were going to use if we had another girl, and so we named her Bethany, had to name her Bethany because to choose any other name would be to discount the life that had been there. It was at that point that Mauri and I wept together. I was so surprised by how pained i felt, how disappointed I was.
It was so much harder to say goodbye that i had imagined.

Itʼs so easy for me to delegitimize my feelings because otherʼs have had it much harder. Which is true. But thatʼs not right either. When life is formed it is only right for us to expect that, that ultimately life will be birthed. When it doesnʼt there is the sense of something stolen, of an incompletion. I sometimes still cry when i have to think about or share that experience (like now) and know the deeper pain of many others who have lost their babies.

Mauri fell pregnant, quite unexpectedly, not long after that and our little boy, Jesse is about to turn 2. I canʼt imagine life without him but sometimes wonder how Bethany would have fitted into our family.

Taboo Topics: Infertility and Losing a baby – meet Debbie and Bruce

WAITING FOR A MIRACLE

There’s a glimpse of heartache and pain in 31-year-old Debbie lvin’s eyes, but just for a moment, and then it’s gone, swallowed up by a smile, a nervous chuckle as she launches into an account of her painful journey through infertility.

It’s a much greater problem than people think. It was only after I started talking openly about it, that I discovered that some of my friends and their friends were going through what I was going through. It was knowing this that got me through my bad days. I wasn’t doing it alone and it also gave me something else to focus on. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression, I focused on how my experiences could perhaps help someone else. It got me through the dark times she says.

Her story, much like the woman she is, can only be described as remarkable. Her journey through infertility has made despair, disappointment and bitterness constant companions, but in the process she has discovered new friends in the form of hope, faith and courage. Throughout it all, she has had the constant support and love of her husband.

“I take great pride in my role as a wife and my husband and I work hard at keeping our marriage strong. This is essential to ensure that this experience brings us together and doesn’t tear us apart.” she says, a softness in her eyes as she speaks of the man who has been at her side throughout this journey. “When my husband and I found out we could not conceive naturally, I felt broken inside and filled with despair. At first, we chose not to tell anyone and as a result, this private pain gnawed at me constantly. Nothing seemed to soothe my aching heart. I spent hours wondering why it was happening to me, why my body didn’t want to co-operate. It was only made worse when my friends fell pregnant with ease. Babies were everywhere and even being surrounded by prams in shopping centres became too much to bear. I was so focused on the one thing I couldn’t have, I lost sight of everything else in my life.”

“I’ve been battling with infertility for seven years and have tried everything, from complementary therapies to in-vitro fertilisation.This was a huge financial and physical sacrifice for us and involved enduring drugs, injections and surgery. Our first attempt at IVF resulted in me carrying twins for a few weeks, before suffering a miscarriage. After all the anticipation and watching the embryos moving around, I could hardly endure the physical and emotional pain of losing them.” Debbie smiles bravely as she recounts those painful times. But determined to keep trying, she underwent another IVF procedure a year later and on the third and final attempt, she miscarried again.

The root cause of Debbie’s infertility lies in hormonal imbalances. “When I discovered my hormones, or rather, lack of them, were the cause of my problem, I took it very personally. It struck the core of who I was as a woman and I felt my body had let me down. I felt as though I had failed as a woman and it was easy for me to sink into the depths of self-pity.” It took an extraordinary will, for Debbie to drag herself out of the dark and make a conscious decision to be happy despite the circumstances she found herself in.

“Somehow I knew I’d have to let go and release the control I thought I had over the situation because it really wasn’t in my hands at all”. Naturally shy, Debbie says the experience in talking to other women who have suffered loss or those in similar situations as herself has forced her out of her shell. “This experience has helped me grow into a more self-assured, confident person. I force myself out of my comfort zone and set myself a challenge each year.”

This year, her challenge has been to keep herself strong, fit and healthy. “I joined a running club!” She laughs as she explains she has never been much of an athlete. “I think I surprised myself more than anyone else. I joined the Chiltern Athletics Club in December last year and ran my first 50km marathon a few months ago! I’m really enjoying it, and it’s making me stronger.” she says proudly. “Because my hormone levels are so low, I have to take care of my body. I will never give up hoping for my miracle baby and I want to make sure that when it happens, I am strong, fit and healthy. It has taken me years to reach the level of maturity I am at now. To leave the bitterness and self-pity behind and realise that although pain is inevitable, it is possible to choose joy despite this. I still have bad days, but it on those days that I’ll indulge in my favourite pick-me-up, peanut butter! It always makes me feel better she says laughing.”

“I realise now that I don’t have control over this. I have done all I can to make it right. I don’t want to feel like I didn’t give it my all. I have tried so hard and at times felt like a slave to my timetable of drugs and injections. Now it is all in God’s hands. Right now, I’m happy, I enjoy my life and like to think I’m a mother-in-waiting!”

[Debbie and Bruce Ivins]

Loving your woman [or man] better and/or the art of marriage

so i know my latest blog series on Taboo Topics has been difficult for a number of people to read, both those having gone through it and also those who are on the way to having their first child… i do think they are extremely valuable for those people the are meant for though and so will continue to post them but in the meantime for everyone else [and also those people] i thort it might be helpful to post links to two of my most successful and popular blog series from the past:

the first one was titled ‘how to love your woman better’ but it was really about how to be in a good relationship and so it works for women as well to read cos generally the principles work both ways – it is a series of posts with each one having a link to the following one and so you can read as many or as few as you please [and as always, if you think any of them will be helpful to anyone you know, feel free to pass on]:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/how-to-love-your-woman-better-part-arguing-well-part-i-of-iii

followed by the ones written specifically to the women:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/02/02/how-to-love-your-man-better-by-not-me

and secondly i presented an 18 part series where i got a bunch of friends i know who i think are married well to share a secret or key to having a good marriage and so there are a variety of comments here which are valuable to those married and to anyone one day hoping to be:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/how-to-save-a-marriage-before-you-need-to-part-i

hope those inspire and refresh and bring joy…

an incredible article on the christian marrying a not christian question [which really isn't one]

Val and i have started reading tim and kathy keller’s book ‘the meaning of marriage’ and have found it to be the source of some great discussion and teaching into marriage – we don’t agree with everything said but it has definitely given us a lot to work with and through and is a highly recommendable read.

and then i stumbled on to this article by kathy keller titled – Don’t Take It from Me: Reasons You Should Not Marry an Unbeliever which you can read here or here but not so much here cos that is something totally different.

an excerpt to get you started which sums up the ‘question’ well: “Does this sound like the kind of marriage you want? One that strangles your growth in Christ or strangles your growth as a couple, or does both? Think back to that off-cited passage in 2 Corinthians 6:14 about being “unequally yoked.” Most of us no longer live in an agrarian culture, but try to visualize what would happen if a farmer yoked together, say, an ox and a donkey. The heavy wooden yoke, designed to harness the strength of the team, would be askew, as the animals are of different heights, weights, walk at different speeds and with different gaits. The yoke, instead of harnessing the power of the team to complete the task, would rub and chafe BOTH animals, since the load would be distributed unequally. An unequal marriage is not just unwise for the Christian, it is also unfair to the non-Christian, and will end up being a trial for them both.”

so go check it out…

what do you get for the man who has everything?

it is 29 minutes til my birthday…

well, for me anyways, my south african family and friends have been celebrating it for hours already, as have the few contacts i know in Australia and different friends across Europe… have not heard from so many UK friends yet, but they’ll be waking up soon and joining in… and then when i sleep and wake up, americaland will have caught on and i will finally be able to celebrate along with everyone else.

my wife, tbV, is busy flying towards south africa to celebrate the coming wedding of her sister Shana to Carl and it would be so nice to have her closer here with me, cos an empty bed beckons, which is less fun, but we did get to celebrate while she was here and it was good and apart from that i think i pretty much have everything i need.

what do you give to the guy who has everything? cos i really do. well pretty much… i mean i could enjoy trips to hawaii and a skiing trip for my wife and a free-to-use close proximity jacuzzi and a never-ending supply of bacon and an iphone and an ipad and a kindle and a spindle… or something… and 101 other things… you can always have more stuff, but i really don’t feel like i need or particularly want anything. i am truly loved by God and i know Who i am in Him and that is more than enough. i have passion and vision and life and energy and hunger-for-lifefullnessity and much, much more.

so what is the answer then? what do you give to the guy who has everything? you give him love. and hugs if you happen to be close. and it is pouring in already via facebook even before my birthday officially begins and i’m sure through other networks and means as the day progresses.

so much love, so many incredible people in my life, so much strong friendship, so many passionate, hungry-for-real-rich-fulfilling life people, so so much.

how could i possible want anything else? i already have everything.

putting the ‘C’ back in Christmas [part iii]

this year we got to be secret rooftop witnesses of this incredible act of Christmas mischief that Shane speaks about in this article and it was incredible hearing some of the stories from some of the people who had no idea where the money came from and yet for some of them it was a complete lifeline and life-changing moment for them:

So here is the start of the article shane wrote but click on the link to read the whole thing:

Critiquing the thick irony of the Christmas season is fair. It’s ludicrous that we celebrate the birth of the homeless baby Jesus by indulging in the biggest consumer spending of the year, scurrying around trying to find something to buy for people who have everything.

Nonetheless, there is something beautiful about giving, generosity and the contagious cheer that fills the world (not just the malls) during Christmas. We just need fresh imagination with how we celebrate amid the frenzy and clutter.

So we’ve started a new tradition here in the post-industrial concrete jungle of North Philadelphia … we call it the “Christmas Carol Conspiracy”.

You can read the rest of it here…

why marriage is like dancing

my good friend Mel [or Melissa Jayne Donaldson of you listen to Facebook] sent me a link to this article on marriage which covers a few steps [harr] that the recent marriage series didn’t and is a very light and easy read:

7 Marriage Lessons Learned on the Dance Floor by Jen Smidt

for all the daters out there

so i have just posted the last [for now at least] post in the marriage series which ended up being a great 18 blog posts written by a whole bunch of my friends who are married well and passed along some really great marriage-enhancing advice and tips and wisdom. the beautiful Valerie ad myself might add some thorts of our own later but we’re about to head for Texas to visit my sister and her family…

anyways, looking at blog stats, this has been the second hugest blog visitation i have had with the largest being the series i did on dating and so i thort it would be good to repost links to some of those that were really popular in case you missed them and want to check out some insights on that area of life:

i think this was the intro blog to the series and links to future blogs…

followed by ‘i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Ladies!’ which was muchly visited and discussed and forwarded

a two parter written by the beautiful Val which is a must read as with most of what she writes…

and of course for the men – ‘i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Men?’

and then if you find any of those really helpful, there was a whole series of them that you could discover on my blogsite but just thort these would touch a different group than those who the marriage ones have been for… hope you find them helpful and if so please pass on…

How to Save a Marriage… before you need to. [part 18]

and the series rages on, and my friends continue to write some incredible marriage-growing things and so i continue to post them… this post from someone who has been a dear friend of mine from long, long ago and is now happily married to one of my old youth okes who is not called PG any more cos he got all grown up… so let’s hear it from Bev Le Roux Brodrick:

Hi Brett

The marriage series is great. Thanks. Copied a few comments for Pete and I to keep on our minds. Simple things like saying thank you and living graciously and in consideration of those you live with. Such great tips.

What makes a strong marriage…

I really think that is more a question for those who have endured so much more than us. Those who have been married for 30-40 years. So, I do not feel ‘qualified’ in any way to give advice. I think we are still in the easy stage…

I do believe that all good things are found in the shelter of the most high God. I do believe that when we are submitted to our Heavenly Father that he brings unity, that he shepherds us to streams of living water, to a place much more beautiful that what we can imagine or what the media portrays.

I believe that as I trust in God and change my life in obedience to Him that He pulls the pieces together.

I think that the world has created expectations in us that need to be smashed. Where do our expectations come from? and why are we imposing them on our spouse? As we meditate on the Word of God that brings life – He breathes life into all that we are and brings a pleasure and contentment into our lives and marriage like nothing else can.

In my short marriage of about 6 yrs now and with my ever growing relationship with God I feel the Lord has been pressing me to love even when it doesn’t suit me. To love even when it is inconvenient. To love over and above my natural ability – through the power of the Holy Spirit. To love, without condition. It is easy to love when it is comfortable and when things are in the ‘right’ place. Not so easy when you feel betrayed or hurt. It is great to want to love others in community and our brothers and sisters in Christ, but if it doesn’t start at home it is unlikely going to happen anywhere else. A life that is totally poured out to God, to your spouse, your family, your community, not wanting in return, but individuals who are content to live a life of giving.

I believe that as we grow in the Lord as individuals and as we deepen our relationship with Him and really start to rely on Him for all our needs we release our spouse from having to fulfil that impossible task. He/she is not there to make us feel secure, he/she is not there to give us value, or to fulfill the deepest longings in our lives. That is God’s role. Don’t expect your husband or wife to fulfill you. He/she is a gift from God to journey along side you, in partnership for His Glory! Even nights when I go so sleep alone and Pete is working… it is God who wraps his arms around me. It is God who pulls my soul towards heaven and I rest in the ultimate lover of my soul – under His wing.

When the circumstances of life hit we often blame those closest to us. Sometimes a root of bitterness takes shape in our heart, as we find out that life is hard. Life is hard work. Life is maybe not quite what we thought it would be. When kids come it sinks into a whole new reality… not only is it hard work, you are now sleep deprived on top of it, and have children dependant on you 24/7, draining your energy, draining your life and impacting your marriage. You sorta start to switch into a role of ‘survival’. You start to play tag and spend less time with each other and bad habits kick in. You start to treat your loved one less special than a friend. Sad but true.

We can do NOTHING in our own strength. We have NOTHING to give. We ARE nothing. God sustains me. He brought me and Pete together and He has sustained us through our trials and temptations. If I had to single out one practical thing that has helped me so far, it would have to be prayer. Prayer in deepening my own relationship with God. Prayer for my husband, prayer for our relationship, prayer for our intimacy, prayer for our greater purpose together, prayer for things yet to come… prayer for unity, prayer for truth to be revealed. Prayer for the courage to change. Prayer to make me less selfish and prayer to grow me on to spiritual maturity. Prayer to change ME. Prayer against all evil, the power of darkness that seeks to destroy. I love nothing more than praying with my husband. God and Pete. My two BESTS!

Sending much love to you and your beautiful Val. I enjoy seeing where God has lead you and what you are involved in and totally LOVE having brothers and sisters in Christ, all over the world.

[married for 6 years]

to be directed to the beginning of this marriage-enhancing series click here…

How to Save a Marriage… before you need to. [part xvii]

this great marriage-enhancing advice is from a friend of mine, Clint Botha, whose friendship has grown a lot since we both ended up in different countries and went virtual…

By no means do I consider myself and Karin some kind of pro married couple (although that would be an awesome competition and/or reality tv show). We have only been at this thing for 6 years and a bit, but these are the things we have found have worked for us.

- It’s a given for us, but Jesus is the centre of our marriage. He is our shared mission, goal, lord, saviour, love! That has made a huge difference in our marriage… I can not state that enough.

-We laugh. A LOT! We laugh at each other (not in a mean way… in other words… only if your partner also sees the funny side). We laugh at ourselves. I can not remember a day in our marriage (even the really difficult days) that we have not laughed about something.

-We save our energy for big stresses. We don’t sweat the little things. We are both of the attitude that life happens. On this journey there are things big and small completely out of our control and those things are not worth stressing over.

-We have a united front with money. Firstly we chose to have a shared bank account. There is no money allocated to Karin or me each month. For us marriage was all or nothing and this included earnings. We are also in agreement with what we do with that money (and Who it ultimately belongs to). We both try to not be reckless or bad stewards (sometimes better than others) and we also try not to hold onto money too tightly. What we found worked for us is that we set an agreed on amount that neither of us would spend more than without the others consent. That way you avoid being tied to never being able to spend… but you also never end up spending more than what was agreed on without the other persons knowledge.

-We give grace and forgiveness very freely and quickly. It’s a huge cliche’, but so important. We do not go to bed angry. Or to put it biblically: Ephesians 4:26 “26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”[a] Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry”.

-We accept that we are both broken people. Karin needs me to love her in spite of her brokeness as much as I need her to love me in spite of mine.

-We let go of passed stuff. It’s tempting to bring up previous mistakes. We’ve made it a priority to never do that.

- During our engagement when we were discussing married life and how to deal with stuff we decided to ban certain language. We banned the “d-word”. We don’t mention divorce. Not in anger… not as a joke. It is a no go word. We never have used that word in a conflict situation.

- We fight clean. We try as far as humanly possible (don’t always get this as right as we’d like to)…. but we try to never go for the jugular or take dirty shots at each other. We don’t do name calling, character assassination and that sort of thing. Stick to the issue.

-We talk. A LOT.

-And finally: “Quality not quantity” is an outright lie of the enemy. We signed up to live this life together and that means making an intentional effort to spend time together. Whether that’s going for a walk or just watching a movie together. If you don’t want to spend a lot of time with one other person for the rest of your life don’t get married.

[married for 6 years]

to continue on to the next post click here…