Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet Tyron and Caraleigh

Hey Brett

Thanks for the opportunity to share on your “Taboo Topics” series in regards to adoption. This is our story thus far:

Myself and Caraleigh decided to pursue adopting Andrew around mid-Jan 2012. We are currently waiting for the adoption to be finalised. This is a process that requires much patience & prayer, but it’s looking really good so far, even better than normal cases for some ‘God-intervening’ reasons I’m sure. In the meantime we have been allowed to be the legal guardians of Andrew since 9 Feb 2012, and he is indefinitely in our care until all the paperwork gets sorted.

I would start off by saying that this wasn’t part of the plan. We never looked to adopt, but rather it seems that God looked to us to adopt. I do remember a conversation when myself and Caz were dating (maybe 7-8 years ago) where she mentioned being open to adopt (while I silently prayed that we’d never cross that road, ha ha). Recently, in our marriage, Caz resigned to a part-time post as an Occupational Therapist to pursue establishing a home of safety for abused and abandoned children (checkout www.nthandohome.co.za), something I assumed was the ‘manifestation’ of her ‘want to’ adopt or to help the vulnerable – I was wrong.

In the inevitable networking that occurred while Caz pursued establishing the home of safety she linked up with another home of safety nearby that creates an opportunity for community involvement by letting families take children home during the Christmas holidays to relieve the staff for that period. We signed up to do this mainly because Caz loves this type of ministry, and I was open because we were/are very open to starting our own family soon and what better way to get a taste of what it’s like?

We were fortunate enough to have a wonderful experience (we have friends who did the same who didn’t) with little Asemahle (now, or soon to legally be, Andrew), a 14 month old legend. All the joy parents try to describe to you when you have children proved true – even with the sleeplessness. Many jokes in jest occurred within our church community that we would keep him, all thoughtlessly blown off at the time. Taking him back, understandably, was like someone dying, which we expected and even set a day aside to ‘mourn’.

This is where the story turned. Up to this point we did not know Andrew’s story. Did he have parents? When/where was he born? How long was he at the home? Did he have TB/HIV? Etc. With us both struggling to ‘let go’, we desperately needed to know his situation for our own closure. I assured my wife we would try to find out his story, and that if God desired further involvement from us in his life that we pray He would make this clear to us. I said this knowing that no matter what the story was it would never be good – how could it if we had him for Christmas and his family didn’t? But I assumed or hoped that his being at the home of safety was some temporary arrangement.

We eventually found out his story (difficult when they’d lost his file, and the fact that he did not have a birth certificate, yup!). He was born 10-weeks premature and abandoned at the hospital. Authorities had tried to locate his parents on several occasions with no success. He been staying at the home of safety since Feb 2011, and the first time he’d ever left the home was when we hosted him. And finally, the report in the file declared him eligible for adoption.

If ever one there was an open door, this was it. I admit that personally my initial reaction wasn’t “whoo-hoo” but more like Abraham in Genesis 18:16ff when he repeatedly goes back to God with the whole “May the Lord not be angry but let me speak once more” vibe. Wanting to be the supportive husband I suggested we then go inquire about what an adoption process would entail (hoping this might close the door). We began to go to home affair offices, magistrates, social workers, etc, and doors just kept opening – far easier than they should of according to others we’ve spoken to. During this time we we’re granted permission to have Andrew over on weekends, which we did.

We both did a lot of inward searching, praying, and discussing with people we trust. I’m sure by now you’ve picked up my initial hesitations, admittedly I struggled more with this decision than Caz – but I think necessarily so (rather before than after adoption!). It was important that we not only discern God’s clear will in this opportunity, but that we make the decision to adopt together as a couple, otherwise the potential to blame the other partner becomes huge. An article that helped tremendously was a devotion in John Piper’s “Taste and See” titled “A letter to my wife saying yes to adoption” (pages 57-59) – a must read! Most importantly, I felt, was to have a clear passage of Scripture that you really really really know is from God. God eventually led me to one of my favourite passage in Scripture (which was especially cool) to a verse in Acts 17:
“He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live” (Acts 17:26)
…that verse carried me, and cemented my faith in the Sovereign hand of God in this process.

I would say that aside from the typical fears of becoming an instant parent, all the concerns around ‘cross-cultural’ adoption (especially being a South African with our past), it was the disapproval of some people we love that was the most difficult thing for me to bear. However, you soon discover that this is not uncommon with other folk who have adopted. Thankfully this really was a small minority compared to the vast and overwhelming support we received by many whose opinions we highly value.

It’s all happened so fast, and everything still seems to be racing ahead, but I have more certainty everyday that we’ve made the right decision (even as we grow increasingly tired as new parents, ha ha). I think what I’ve grown to experience more through this in my relationship with God is how he grows our faith, or confidence, in Him through past experiences (just read the story of Abraham and you see this). What helped tremendously as the process of adoption unfolded was when we reflected on other occasions when our faith was being stretched and to remember his faithfulness in to us on past occasions (Psalm 77 is dripping with this truth). There were times when God closed doors for us even when our motives were right (see Prov. 16:2), and though difficult to accept at the time, we’re now grateful (in hindsight) that he did close them. What occurred to me more clearly is that the God who acted like that toward us in the past would continue to do so now in the present and in the future.

I’ll end with two more things.

First, why we named him Andrew. Erwin McManus tells a story about how he got his name (I think it’s some great German pilot from WW2?), which he despised at the time. He was moving to America with his family and needed an English name. Longing for something normal like ‘John’, his grandfather named him Erwin. What occurred to him later is that his grandfather was urging him not to be ordinary. That story inspired the name Andrew long ago before we met Andrew – it was always going to be the name of my first son (inspired by a radical, not ordinary, follower of Christ that I know, which I hope my son will turn out to be). That’s why we gave it to him. We also kept his original name ‘Asemahle’ as his second, because we want to honour any heritage he brings.

Secondly, and lastly, just a recent journal entry I wrote regarding Andrew (more to show how God has changed my hesitant-heart in this journey):

“Andrew himself…growing so fast! Almost walking. Very strong (physically). Great temperament – very happy child (no signs of trauma). Seems to be accepting us as his ‘parents’. Beginning to mouth sounds. Adjusts very well to environments (e.g. camping). Can roar like a lion. Snores! Can give high fives. Has natural rhythm. Enjoys sitting on my shoulders. Sucks his thumbs (may do this forever). Always wakes up happy in the mornings.
It’s hard to imagine our lives without him…and I don’t want to.”

Regards my bro
Tyron & (in spirit) Caraleigh Otto

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – some last stories and links.

when i started writing this blog series on people who have had miscarriages/lost babies, i was overwhelmed with the response i got, because in my life experience i had never come across many stories of this happening but i had heard that it happens a lot more than we think. And so i really am truly grateful for everyone who shared personally and for those who linked me to friends of theirs. With people being so brave i didn’t want to leave anyone out and so i have compiled a few more links to stories and websites that other people shared with me. Every story is different and unique and it has been a huge encouragement [and a very painful one, especially for those people i know personally] that you all have invited me [and so many other people] to share in your stories of loss and hope, love and devastation and healing. i KNOW it has made a difference for some people who had previously been suffering quietly by themselves and feeling alone in this.

i want to end off with links to five more stories, most of who are good friends of mine and thank each of you for the sharing of your story and in some cases the resources you have set up to help other people with theirs. may each of us continue to experience the God who is able to work good out of the most tragic circumstances and give us hope and a future.

[David and Sarah Seabrook] http://53hours.wordpress.com/about/

[Lindsay Bresler] Cathy was at school with me (a year or 2 younger) – basically had kidney problems when pregnant and they lost the baby AND will never be able to fall pregnant again due to health risks… she has written a lot of stuff relating to it and you can see some of it on this link…
http://www.rememberingforgood.com

[Margaret Ann and Adam Schaaf] My husband and I have been through the loss of our child(ren) more than once. It is something that I have written about in my journals. You can read my poem, “The Day Grace Died” at http://mypoetry.scriptmania.com/custom.html as it was written in response to losing our child.

[Rory and Debbi Windell] Hi Brett, not sure if you know but Debbi and I lost our son, Nathan Ross Windell due to a ruptured uterus and have now created a Foundation in his name called the Live in Hope Foundation and you can see our story and get some help and assistance for parents who have lost a loved one especially a child! go to www.liveinhope.co.za as well as our Facebook page: Live in Hope Foundation

[Adrian and Benita Wright] Hey Brett: Here is a note I posted on our story a while back: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150540969965001

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Sandra and Shane [my parents-in-law]

one imagines that once you are pregnant all goes well and a perfect offspring is born. that’s how i felt cos i’d had an easy 1st pregnancy and my daughter(Ro-anne) was perfect.

so when i was pregnant again i was soo shocked when i started bleeding, the doc told me to go to bed but nothing helped i lost the baby. i was devastated especially as i did not have a DnC but flushed my baby down the toilet. we are talking 30 yrs ago. also these things were not spoken about then and you had to muddle through by yourself.

the same story happened with the next baby.

praise God baby number 4 (Bronwyn)was full term and healthy.

again two more miscarriages. the hours of silent weeping in the middle of the night, blaming myself for doing something wrong. in the 3rd miscarriage i went to the doc and was lying on the examination bed, i was alone in the room and there was only one door which i could see. all of a sudden i felt a presence in the room, i calmed down and suddenly i felt that it didn’t matter why i lost the babies, God knew the full story and He is sovereign. the doc came and gave an ultra sound – i saw the baby in the middle of the womb but not attached, but this time i was comforted although i still cried. it was a peace that passes understanding.

another beautiful daughter arrived (Valerie)

after that i had 2 more miscarriages. the last 1 the baby had reached 4 months and we could all feel it moving and then it died, i had to have a DnC. i had a battle with myself cos i did not feel i had the emotional ability to face another miscarriage, but felt i could not leave my 3 daughters with such a negative view of pregnancies so i tried again. the baby went full term and was another beautiful daughter (Shana meaning Blessing) I felt that was an appropriate name considering the miscarriages.

how did i stay sane through all this? by the grace off God: he said my strength is sufficient for you. i go on without a shadow of doubt that i will see 6 children in heaven that i have not had the privilege of holding here. the 4 daughters i have have been an untold blessing to me. ‘all things work to the good of those who are called according to His purpose’. sandra.

when i have walked this road with people and they have had a stillbirth i have encouraged them to take a photo of the baby and hand and feet prints. they have all said it has helped them.

To God be the Glory Great things He Hath done.

[Sandra and Shane Duffield]

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Grant and Mauri

Itʼs July, Mauri phones to tell me the news, weʼre pregnant again. Whoohoo! We had been trying and Mauri had had a dream in which a date for a birth of a baby was given. So the news was, well, wow perhaps God had spoken to us about the actual birthday! We did a calculation and due date was in the ʻdate proximityʼ. Sure it was very early days, but God had spoken hadnʼt he, and so we started dreaming: is it a boy or a girl? What will they look like, be like? And how will they play with Kristen?

A couple of weeks later Mauri comes into the lounge with an anxious, slightly panicked look on her face, she is spotting and the bleeding was getting heavier. The next day we are in our doctorʼs surgery and he confirms our fears. A miscarriage.

Itʼs only a miscarriage, just a miscarriage, we carry on with life, right? Hey in the old days no one would have even known, and the bleed put down as a late period. Thatʼs what some have said. I begin thinking along those lines too: itʼs not like weʼve lost a baby. Or have we? Almost as if right there and then i have the wrestle of our time: when does life begin? Iʼm struggling to know what i should be feeling in the midst of Mauriʼs emotions, strengthened by hormonal changes in her body. I write to a mentor of mine and his wisdom to us is that we need to name the baby and say goodbye. That shouldnʼt be too difficult? Mauriʼs instinct was that it was a girl. We had a name we were going to use if we had another girl, and so we named her Bethany, had to name her Bethany because to choose any other name would be to discount the life that had been there. It was at that point that Mauri and I wept together. I was so surprised by how pained i felt, how disappointed I was.
It was so much harder to say goodbye that i had imagined.

Itʼs so easy for me to delegitimize my feelings because otherʼs have had it much harder. Which is true. But thatʼs not right either. When life is formed it is only right for us to expect that, that ultimately life will be birthed. When it doesnʼt there is the sense of something stolen, of an incompletion. I sometimes still cry when i have to think about or share that experience (like now) and know the deeper pain of many others who have lost their babies.

Mauri fell pregnant, quite unexpectedly, not long after that and our little boy, Jesse is about to turn 2. I canʼt imagine life without him but sometimes wonder how Bethany would have fitted into our family.

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Nicole of Graeme and Nicole

a little while ago [well, a month it seems] i started a series called Taboo Topics where i wanted to look at some serious issues in life that deeply affect people but that rarely get spoken about. The first one, losing a baby, was something that had been on my heart for a long, long time because of knowing some friends who had been through it and having a glimpse of how devastating it must be, especially if you are carrying it along and feeling like you are the only one… an old friend of mine, Graeme, boldly stepped forward and shared their story from his perspective and a lot of people read it and were encouraged and it is now my privilege to share the same story, but from his wife Nicole’s perspective. Thank you, Nicole, for the strength you show in sharing this with us:

As you can see, it’s taken me a whole month to work up the courage to read this blog…. When Graeme told me that Brett had asked if he could post our story, I was not in a good head space, so told Graeme to go ahead, but that I couldn’t do it. Now, with Zoe’s 5th anniversary behind me, I feel I’m in a better space now, so I thought I’d head on over here and read all the stories he’s posted so far. Each of them broke my heart…. I know the pain hidden under the words each of them uses.

As with all couples, even having experienced the same event, my journey has been different to Graeme’s. As a mother, you connect with your child physically and emotionally long before it’s born. When I heard the news initially, that the doc couldn’t find a heartbeat, I was so sure it was just faulty equipment. I went into denial immediately. But after half an hour, the reality finally hit me. I was so devastated, and crying so hard, I nearly vomited on the floor. When the doc told me that it would be better for me physically, as well as emotionally, to go through natural labour (Zoe was 37 weeks), I wanted to hit her. I thought for sure she was joking. Yet, in retrospect, she was absolutely right.

We were given a private labour ward, with a dedicated mid-wife (so no extraneous staff wandering in and out, or noise from other labour wards to bother us), and at the end, our minister and his wife were allowed to join us, so we could wash Zoe, dress her, and hold a short ceremony for her immediately. I still remember the sound her body made as it slipped from me…. a dull thud followed by silence….

We didn’t find out until later that the name Zoe means life.

Something that gave me (and continues to give me) tremendous comfort was a vision that one of my friends had in which she saw Jesus take Zoe into heaven cuddled in his arms. To know that she’s loved, and cared for, and is in the best possible place…that is a great source of comfort to me.

I don’t believe that God made this happen. I don’t believe that God even allowed this to happen. Something as evil as killing an innocent, unborn child on the cusp of life could only come from the pit of hell itself. For the longest time though, I blamed God for failing to take action, for failing to save Zoe’s life.

Now though, I have Nathan (his name means ‘Gift of God’). There’s no way he will ever replace Zoe – not in a million years. But I know that if she had not died, he would not have been born. Right from the get-go, when we dedicated him, we asked that God would use him to heal and bless, and to bring joy into the lives of those he touches. God has honoured our prayer, and Nathan has already brought such healing and joy into ours.

I still don’t know ‘why’ Zoe died. I don’t know why we were targeted in this way. I don’t for one minute believe that Zoe’s death was part of God’s plan. Yet, I know that God has redeemed what Satan intended for evil. For both Graeme and I, our faith has been tested in the fire. The dross has been (and is being) burned away. Although we’ve still got a-ways to walk, I know that now our faith is real in a way that it never was before. We’ve also been able to comfort others with the comfort we have received – through Born Sleeping (our support group). Plus there is the blessing of the child who would not have been – Nathan – if not for his sister’s death.

As Graeme said, the grief is never far from the surface, but that doesn’t mean our lives are joyless. We have simply learnt how to tolerate indescribable pain, to allow it to wash over and through us, until we can breathe again. We have learnt how to live and love and laugh despite our pain. Having said that, please don’t think I’ve got grief taped, or that I have all the answers. If I were to go through this again, as Sandi & Mike, and Debbie & Bruce, have had to do I think I’d probably fall apart just as much, just as quickly, and take just as long to be put back together.

Losing a child…. it really is one of the hardest things any parent can go through, and unless you’ve been through it yourself, with the greatest respect, I don’t think you have a clue what it’s like…. which is probably why so many people don’t like to talk about it: everyone else says such banal things, insensitive things, the platitudes that are like a dagger in your heart and a slap through the face. Which is why Brett’s blog is so important. We need spaces to talk openly about our pain, and about how the pain makes us re-evaluate our lives, our values, our beliefs, our faith, our hopes, our dreams, our plans. And others need to hear it, to learn how to deal with us, and to help us grapple with issues of faith.

So thanks, Brett, for having the courage to open the lid on on this can. I just hope the worms turn into butterflies sooner rather than later.

Nicole [Nicole Masureik and Graeme Broster]

Born Sleeping Website – http://bornsleeping.wordpress.com/
Born Sleeping Facebook Page – http://www.facebook.com/pages/Born-Sleeping/150344014978601

if you would like to read the other stories that were shared, click here.

Aquaponics and other things that go blllloooop in the night…

so for those of you who missed my post on my ‘the simple weigh’ blog, here is a link to that and the story of the first week of aquaponics building that has been taking place at the simple way communtiy in kensington, philadelphia where we stay… aquaponics is like hydroponics but with fish [sustainable food growth]

click here to see…

protesting the protesters…

so i posted about the protest action we were involved in with regards to the outdoors sharing of food with homeless people on my ‘the simple weigh’ blog but i know a lot of people susbscribe to this one so thort i would stick the links here as well.

click here for part I dealing with what i was pertaining to.

click here for part II which deals with the picnic which was my beautiful wife Valerie’s greatly creative idea.

and then here if you want the part where everything went nutball shaped as we got inside for the meeting…

and here is a blog from a new friend of ours perspective – a man who drove over an hour to be part of the protest despite himself and personal fear and trepidation…

Taboo Topics: Infertility and Losing a baby – meet Debbie and Bruce

WAITING FOR A MIRACLE

There’s a glimpse of heartache and pain in 31-year-old Debbie lvin’s eyes, but just for a moment, and then it’s gone, swallowed up by a smile, a nervous chuckle as she launches into an account of her painful journey through infertility.

It’s a much greater problem than people think. It was only after I started talking openly about it, that I discovered that some of my friends and their friends were going through what I was going through. It was knowing this that got me through my bad days. I wasn’t doing it alone and it also gave me something else to focus on. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression, I focused on how my experiences could perhaps help someone else. It got me through the dark times she says.

Her story, much like the woman she is, can only be described as remarkable. Her journey through infertility has made despair, disappointment and bitterness constant companions, but in the process she has discovered new friends in the form of hope, faith and courage. Throughout it all, she has had the constant support and love of her husband.

“I take great pride in my role as a wife and my husband and I work hard at keeping our marriage strong. This is essential to ensure that this experience brings us together and doesn’t tear us apart.” she says, a softness in her eyes as she speaks of the man who has been at her side throughout this journey. “When my husband and I found out we could not conceive naturally, I felt broken inside and filled with despair. At first, we chose not to tell anyone and as a result, this private pain gnawed at me constantly. Nothing seemed to soothe my aching heart. I spent hours wondering why it was happening to me, why my body didn’t want to co-operate. It was only made worse when my friends fell pregnant with ease. Babies were everywhere and even being surrounded by prams in shopping centres became too much to bear. I was so focused on the one thing I couldn’t have, I lost sight of everything else in my life.”

“I’ve been battling with infertility for seven years and have tried everything, from complementary therapies to in-vitro fertilisation.This was a huge financial and physical sacrifice for us and involved enduring drugs, injections and surgery. Our first attempt at IVF resulted in me carrying twins for a few weeks, before suffering a miscarriage. After all the anticipation and watching the embryos moving around, I could hardly endure the physical and emotional pain of losing them.” Debbie smiles bravely as she recounts those painful times. But determined to keep trying, she underwent another IVF procedure a year later and on the third and final attempt, she miscarried again.

The root cause of Debbie’s infertility lies in hormonal imbalances. “When I discovered my hormones, or rather, lack of them, were the cause of my problem, I took it very personally. It struck the core of who I was as a woman and I felt my body had let me down. I felt as though I had failed as a woman and it was easy for me to sink into the depths of self-pity.” It took an extraordinary will, for Debbie to drag herself out of the dark and make a conscious decision to be happy despite the circumstances she found herself in.

“Somehow I knew I’d have to let go and release the control I thought I had over the situation because it really wasn’t in my hands at all”. Naturally shy, Debbie says the experience in talking to other women who have suffered loss or those in similar situations as herself has forced her out of her shell. “This experience has helped me grow into a more self-assured, confident person. I force myself out of my comfort zone and set myself a challenge each year.”

This year, her challenge has been to keep herself strong, fit and healthy. “I joined a running club!” She laughs as she explains she has never been much of an athlete. “I think I surprised myself more than anyone else. I joined the Chiltern Athletics Club in December last year and ran my first 50km marathon a few months ago! I’m really enjoying it, and it’s making me stronger.” she says proudly. “Because my hormone levels are so low, I have to take care of my body. I will never give up hoping for my miracle baby and I want to make sure that when it happens, I am strong, fit and healthy. It has taken me years to reach the level of maturity I am at now. To leave the bitterness and self-pity behind and realise that although pain is inevitable, it is possible to choose joy despite this. I still have bad days, but it on those days that I’ll indulge in my favourite pick-me-up, peanut butter! It always makes me feel better she says laughing.”

“I realise now that I don’t have control over this. I have done all I can to make it right. I don’t want to feel like I didn’t give it my all. I have tried so hard and at times felt like a slave to my timetable of drugs and injections. Now it is all in God’s hands. Right now, I’m happy, I enjoy my life and like to think I’m a mother-in-waiting!”

[Debbie and Bruce Ivins]

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Sandi and Mike

The 18 August 2009 is the day that life changed for Mike and I.

It was the day that we saw our baby on the sonar screen for the first time, but instead of tears of joy, tears of indescribable sadness flowed as we saw our quiet, lifeless baby on the screen with no heartbeat. At home that evening Mike and I sat very quiet on the couch, staring at the tv feeling completely numb. 2 days later I was in hospital to have the baby removed. I tried SO hard to be strong but as I was wheeled into theatre I looked back and saw Mike in his mothers arms in tears, my heart broke.

6 Months later I was pregnant again. It was a new year with new beginnings. After 1 successful ultrasound we were reassured that things were looking good. However, 2 weeks later at a routine ultrasound appointment the doctor once again had the awful job of telling us that she ‘was sorry’ but there was no heartbeat! I lay there thinking no, no, no, not again – this really cant be happening again? She wanted me to try miscarry naturally as during the first procedure my uterus was perforated and she wanted to limit as much trauma to my uterus as possible. But after a week I had to go back to theatre to have the baby removed. What pained me most was signing a paper that stated that I gave them permission to “burn all contents of my uterus”. Is that it all was? The “contents of my uterus” was a little boy!

We were then referred to a specialist at a fertility clinic who did tests and discovered that I had a septum in my uterus which could “possibly” have been the cause for the previous miscarriages. So, once again, I was wheeled into theatre to have the septum removed. Mike, again, my constant supporter and encourager!

10 Months later I was pregnant again. To find out on Christmas day that we were expecting was the most amazing feeling ever! This had to be it? The weeks leading up to this occasion had been incredibly stressful as it involved scans and blood tests to assess my ovaries so that I could start taking extra hormones at exactly the right time. Unfortunately, our world came crashing down again. This pregnancy was very short lived and once again we said goodbye too early.

Very soon after that I fell pregnant again! This HAD to be it? People were praying, my uterus was healthy, I was taking the right amount of hormones – everything was perfect? After 3 fantastic ultrasounds, our baby boy was growing so well. Good strong heartbeat, growing perfectly. Until the 9 March 2011, when our world collapsed again. Routine ultrasound showed out baby’s heart had stopped beating. My doctor just held me and we both sobbed. 2 days later I was back in theatre having yet another operation. 7 weeks later after being referred to yet another fertility specialist, I ended up back in theatre as there was still placental tissue that hadn’t been removed from my uterus and was causing problems. This was all we could handle – enough was enough!

It has been a journey that Mike and I NEVER thought we would go on. It was not something we had discussed before we got married – “what if we struggled to have kids?” It just seemed like a given – like a package deal when you get married – you have kids too.

We have been through some very low patches emotionally, spiritually and financially. It took months to get through a church service without sobbing and it took a year since the last loss to pay off our medical bills. We held a special memorial service in June last year with close family and friends. That was a turning point in our journey. To be able to openly share our pain with those who love us the most was so special! The grief we feel is definitely for the little souls we have lost, but also for the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Will we be parents? Are we willing to put ourselves through another pregnancy which might or might not work? This journey has caused us to drift from certain friends and get closer to others. The lessons we have learnt along this journey are invaluable. The things we have discovered about each other are just so special. We have definitely grown closer through this process and have a much greater appreciation for one another. It bothers me when people say “oh, look how blessed you are because you are pregnant or have kids”. Where does that put the couple who have lost kids or are struggling with infertility? It makes us feel like we have done something wrong to not be blessed? I have learnt that I mustn’t measure how blessed I am by what I have or don’t have. We are all blessed because of the fact that Jesus died on the cross – not because of what we have or don’t have.

I don’t know what our future looks like? It doesn’t have the fairytale ending that we had hoped. We still have baby clothes but no baby, so much baby love to give but no baby. But one thing I am SURE of is that we serve a faithful God who loves and cares for us beyond what we could think possible. Through all our hard times we have KNOWN God’s peace and healing in our lives. We came to a point where we thought that we actually can’t go on, but here we are. Sharing our story with others in the hopes that it encourages others to keep going.

I can’t wait to get to heaven one day, meet my babies and for God to say to me “Well done, My good and faithful servant!”

Blog: www.sandalsgilmour.blogspot.com

[Sandi and Mike Gilmour]

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Heidi and Shaun

Shaun and I had been married for a couple of months and decided to start trying for a family. Imagine our excitement as we found out I was pregnant. At about 8 weeks things didn’t seem to be quite right so found a gynae and went for a check-up. I had terrible pain and was bleeding a little. After some scanning and much to our surprise the doc couldn’t find any indication of a pregnancy in my uterus. It was confirmed that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy (where baby is growing inside the fallopian tube and not the uterus) and was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery. We didn’t have too much time to process all this as I was whisked off to theater and when I woke up was told that all was fine and there was no permanent damage. Yes, we were relived that my tube and uterus were intact but what about our little baby we would never get to meet. What was probably the worst for me was the comment people made like “oh well. You can try again” and “it wasn’t really a baby anyway”…to us it was!

A couple months later we fell pregnant again and I was terrified… I didn’t ever fully enjoy my pregnancy and it was filled with complications. I eventually had to have an emergency caesar at 35 weeks. God blessed us with a wonderful little boy. As I was already heading for my mid-thirties we decided that we didn’t want too much of a gap between the children so fell pregnant again when Merrick was about. 9 months old and things seemed to be progressing well.

Then disaster struck. I started bleeding again at about 6 weeks. We were on holiday in Plett and drove straight back to CT to see my gynae. She couldn’t find a heartbeat but said that it was perhaps too early. Blood tests, bed rest and a 2 week wait. We went back..a perfect little sac was seen on the inside but no baby… It was called a blighted ovum. In other words something had gone wrong during fertilisation and the foetus had not developed properly. Not some people don’t even consider this to be a baby. But we did..as we believe its our child the moment conception takes place. Another procedure to remove the remains of our pregnancy. And more comments of “it wasn’t a real baby”. “You’re so lucky cause you already have a baby” , “your age gap would have been so small” and lots of other insensitive things like that. Guess people thought they were being helpful but all I really wanted to hear was “I’m sorry for your loss”.

Often I think situations like this are more difficult for the husband as the loss is not physical but emotional and we know how most men are not so good at dealing with their “emotional side”. We were blessed with a gorgeous little man and had the courage to try again a couple of months later. We are now the proud parents of 3 beautiful children here on earth and two little souls up in heaven. I guess people may think that it was “just a miscarriage” – but not to us. We know God has reasons for these things happening but that doesn’t mean that we are always able to look at the big picture and see things the way God wants us to. Yes I get upset when I think about them, yes I get angry when I think about the thinks people say and yes I am thankful that God gave us more children.

This may not make a whole lot of sense but perhaps someone who reads it can relate..its okay to be angry, its okay to be sad but mostly its ok to talk about it.

Love Heidi xx

[Heidi and Shaun Hudson-Bennett]