Taboo Topics: Adoption – meet Tyron and Caraleigh

Hey Brett

Thanks for the opportunity to share on your “Taboo Topics” series in regards to adoption. This is our story thus far:

Myself and Caraleigh decided to pursue adopting Andrew around mid-Jan 2012. We are currently waiting for the adoption to be finalised. This is a process that requires much patience & prayer, but it’s looking really good so far, even better than normal cases for some ‘God-intervening’ reasons I’m sure. In the meantime we have been allowed to be the legal guardians of Andrew since 9 Feb 2012, and he is indefinitely in our care until all the paperwork gets sorted.

I would start off by saying that this wasn’t part of the plan. We never looked to adopt, but rather it seems that God looked to us to adopt. I do remember a conversation when myself and Caz were dating (maybe 7-8 years ago) where she mentioned being open to adopt (while I silently prayed that we’d never cross that road, ha ha). Recently, in our marriage, Caz resigned to a part-time post as an Occupational Therapist to pursue establishing a home of safety for abused and abandoned children (checkout www.nthandohome.co.za), something I assumed was the ‘manifestation’ of her ‘want to’ adopt or to help the vulnerable – I was wrong.

In the inevitable networking that occurred while Caz pursued establishing the home of safety she linked up with another home of safety nearby that creates an opportunity for community involvement by letting families take children home during the Christmas holidays to relieve the staff for that period. We signed up to do this mainly because Caz loves this type of ministry, and I was open because we were/are very open to starting our own family soon and what better way to get a taste of what it’s like?

We were fortunate enough to have a wonderful experience (we have friends who did the same who didn’t) with little Asemahle (now, or soon to legally be, Andrew), a 14 month old legend. All the joy parents try to describe to you when you have children proved true – even with the sleeplessness. Many jokes in jest occurred within our church community that we would keep him, all thoughtlessly blown off at the time. Taking him back, understandably, was like someone dying, which we expected and even set a day aside to ‘mourn’.

This is where the story turned. Up to this point we did not know Andrew’s story. Did he have parents? When/where was he born? How long was he at the home? Did he have TB/HIV? Etc. With us both struggling to ‘let go’, we desperately needed to know his situation for our own closure. I assured my wife we would try to find out his story, and that if God desired further involvement from us in his life that we pray He would make this clear to us. I said this knowing that no matter what the story was it would never be good – how could it if we had him for Christmas and his family didn’t? But I assumed or hoped that his being at the home of safety was some temporary arrangement.

We eventually found out his story (difficult when they’d lost his file, and the fact that he did not have a birth certificate, yup!). He was born 10-weeks premature and abandoned at the hospital. Authorities had tried to locate his parents on several occasions with no success. He been staying at the home of safety since Feb 2011, and the first time he’d ever left the home was when we hosted him. And finally, the report in the file declared him eligible for adoption.

If ever one there was an open door, this was it. I admit that personally my initial reaction wasn’t “whoo-hoo” but more like Abraham in Genesis 18:16ff when he repeatedly goes back to God with the whole “May the Lord not be angry but let me speak once more” vibe. Wanting to be the supportive husband I suggested we then go inquire about what an adoption process would entail (hoping this might close the door). We began to go to home affair offices, magistrates, social workers, etc, and doors just kept opening – far easier than they should of according to others we’ve spoken to. During this time we we’re granted permission to have Andrew over on weekends, which we did.

We both did a lot of inward searching, praying, and discussing with people we trust. I’m sure by now you’ve picked up my initial hesitations, admittedly I struggled more with this decision than Caz – but I think necessarily so (rather before than after adoption!). It was important that we not only discern God’s clear will in this opportunity, but that we make the decision to adopt together as a couple, otherwise the potential to blame the other partner becomes huge. An article that helped tremendously was a devotion in John Piper’s “Taste and See” titled “A letter to my wife saying yes to adoption” (pages 57-59) – a must read! Most importantly, I felt, was to have a clear passage of Scripture that you really really really know is from God. God eventually led me to one of my favourite passage in Scripture (which was especially cool) to a verse in Acts 17:
“He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live” (Acts 17:26)
…that verse carried me, and cemented my faith in the Sovereign hand of God in this process.

I would say that aside from the typical fears of becoming an instant parent, all the concerns around ‘cross-cultural’ adoption (especially being a South African with our past), it was the disapproval of some people we love that was the most difficult thing for me to bear. However, you soon discover that this is not uncommon with other folk who have adopted. Thankfully this really was a small minority compared to the vast and overwhelming support we received by many whose opinions we highly value.

It’s all happened so fast, and everything still seems to be racing ahead, but I have more certainty everyday that we’ve made the right decision (even as we grow increasingly tired as new parents, ha ha). I think what I’ve grown to experience more through this in my relationship with God is how he grows our faith, or confidence, in Him through past experiences (just read the story of Abraham and you see this). What helped tremendously as the process of adoption unfolded was when we reflected on other occasions when our faith was being stretched and to remember his faithfulness in to us on past occasions (Psalm 77 is dripping with this truth). There were times when God closed doors for us even when our motives were right (see Prov. 16:2), and though difficult to accept at the time, we’re now grateful (in hindsight) that he did close them. What occurred to me more clearly is that the God who acted like that toward us in the past would continue to do so now in the present and in the future.

I’ll end with two more things.

First, why we named him Andrew. Erwin McManus tells a story about how he got his name (I think it’s some great German pilot from WW2?), which he despised at the time. He was moving to America with his family and needed an English name. Longing for something normal like ‘John’, his grandfather named him Erwin. What occurred to him later is that his grandfather was urging him not to be ordinary. That story inspired the name Andrew long ago before we met Andrew – it was always going to be the name of my first son (inspired by a radical, not ordinary, follower of Christ that I know, which I hope my son will turn out to be). That’s why we gave it to him. We also kept his original name ‘Asemahle’ as his second, because we want to honour any heritage he brings.

Secondly, and lastly, just a recent journal entry I wrote regarding Andrew (more to show how God has changed my hesitant-heart in this journey):

“Andrew himself…growing so fast! Almost walking. Very strong (physically). Great temperament – very happy child (no signs of trauma). Seems to be accepting us as his ‘parents’. Beginning to mouth sounds. Adjusts very well to environments (e.g. camping). Can roar like a lion. Snores! Can give high fives. Has natural rhythm. Enjoys sitting on my shoulders. Sucks his thumbs (may do this forever). Always wakes up happy in the mornings.
It’s hard to imagine our lives without him…and I don’t want to.”

Regards my bro
Tyron & (in spirit) Caraleigh Otto

Taboo Topics: Adoption [Intro]

this series of blog posts has been on my heart and mind for well over a year and i am excited to finally be at the point of getting started on it.

there are a number of incredibly important, life-transforming, heart-breaking life events that happen to huge numbers of people that no-one, or very few people, ever seem to talk publically about – and so for the most part there are hundreds or thousands of people living quietly and alone with their pain or confusion, struggling along as if they are the only ones that have gone through that thing and as if help or advice or at the very least understanding is not freely available.

my hope with ‘Taboo Topics’ is to be able to deal with one of those topics at a time by finding people who have experienced the very thing in question and are brave enough to share their stories and hopefully also offer some insight and advice as to how they managed to get up again, dust themselves off and keep going…

the next topic i am wanting to look at is that of ADOPTION which i know different people have had vastly different experiences with – for some it has been an incredible life-giving experience [either as the adopting parents or as the person who has been adopted] while for others it has been a confusing, frustrating or difficult experience [especially for a lot of people who find out they were adopted and struggle with the emotions that can come into play in terms of the why and with the experience of being able to meet, or not, their birth parents - and also for women who have had to give up their child for adoption for various reasons or else adoptive parents who struggle with their child's desire to find their birth parents] and so this can be a completely different experience for all those involved.

i have found some people who have been brave enough to share a glimpse into their story and trust that as this series starts more people will come forward to share their stories as most of the stories i have received have been positive celebrationary ones [which is great!] but i know there are people who have really struggled with this issue [both as parents or those who have been adopted] and i would love to be able to share some of those stories with others who may be struggling along in silence.

thank you to everyone who contributes to this and i trust by giving a rarely spoken of topic [although a lot more these days which is great cos with the crisis of orphans we have in many areas of the world it is definitely a solution which should be well considered, especially by the church as God seems to be very fond of orphans]

click here to read the story of James Bradford [adopted]

click here to read the story of Tyron and Caraleigh [adopting]

to celebrate a 40 million something goal is human, to forgive is divine…

i imagine this is a much bigger post or discussion than what will fit in here but let’s get it started…

a soccer player [who was worth something like 40 million something - does it really matter when you hit 40 million whether the next word is pounds, euros or dollars?] scores a goal.

a hundred facebook statuses [stati?] read something along the lines of ‘amazing goal – so worth the money spent’

i get angry. [i know, not allowed, how absolutely elizabethan of me]

i post something about how no football player [or goal] is ever worth that amount of money. especially when hundreds of thousands [millions? does it matter once you've gone past hundreds?] of people are literally starving to death around the world

angry mob [but since we're online they can't exactly storm my castle with flaming torches, especially because of the high-tech moat system i have employed]

so discussion happens. well kinda. words are written and people [a lot of them strong christian types] strongly defend the soccer player, the club, the industry, the system.

but there is a huge disconnect. because arguments will be made [with the understood eyebrow raising condescension implied as to 'how can you even think such a thing you stupid, you.] and perhaps scripture, or scriptural ideas will be referenced and argumentative questions will be thrown [what are you saying? he should give the money back? how much of it? how much is too much?] all in defense of how much the person is worth his wages blah blah blah

what probably won’t happen is Jesus will not be quoted or referenced, because it is very hard to believe that Jesus would support the idea of a soccer player being worth millions of currency while people [specifically 'least of these' type people - Jesus' favourite type it seems] are left to starve to death or barely survive in miserable circumstances and conditions.

and what also won’t happen is the people defending overpaid soccer [and you can interchange soccer for music or entertainment or business or even church leader/speaker type - the soccer one is just a more blatant example but it is the same across the board for me] player guy won’t ever make a statement that it is okay for the poor person to suffer, starve or die. the position they take leads to that natural conclusion but they won’t ever state “i am okay with the idea that for the soccer player to get 40 million something, hundreds of people will go hungry” because i don’t believe that is a defendable argument – so play the emotion, challenge the lack of viable solution, ask the argumentative question, quote some out-of-context biblical scriptural idea, but refuse to be drawn on the fact [in my opinion] that the system is horribly wrong and broken. and disgustingly so.

the “are you suggesting?” questions are difficult because i don’t know that i have a solution – i do feel that if the player got 20 somethings instead of 40 somethings then possible the people who watch the games would be able to pay half of what they pay and so there would be a lot more money around for them to be reaching out to some of their ‘least of these’ people… but finding a solution is not my initial intention, because i believe it has to start with the acknowledgement that there is a problem. [and yes the problem is the heart of man and so on, but the one we are faced with is a problem of economic disparity that can not be denied] once we acknowledge there is a problem, that the system is broken, that it is ludicrous and shameful and wrong that the soccer player/actor/singer/politician/pastor/writer gets 40 million of something while the majority of people have to live on under 2 of something a day, then hopefully we can start working together on solutions.

at the very least, let’s stop celebrating the wrongness.

Prayer-liners [v]

some more challenges from ‘Prayer: Does it make any difference?’ by Philip Yancey and you really should get the book:

‘I remembered reading the account of a spiritual seeker who interrupted a busy life to spend a few days in a monastery. ‘I hope your stay is a blessed one,’ said the monk who showed the visitor to his cell. ‘If you need anything, let us know, and we’ll teach you how to live without it.’

We learn to pray by praying, and two concentrated hours a day taught me much. To begin, I need to think more about God than about myself when I am praying. Even the Lord’s Prayer centers first in what God wants from us. ‘Hallowed be Your name, Your kingdom come, Your will be done’ – God wants us to desire these things, to orient our lives around them.’ [pg. 45]

‘The main purpose of prayer is not to make life easier, nor to gain magical powers, but to know God. I need God more than anything I might get from God.’ [pg. 47]

‘In a telling comment Jesus also said, ‘Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.’ He could not mean that prayer is unnecessary, for His own life belied that. He could only mean that we need not strive to convince God to care; the Father already cares, more than we can know. Prayer is not a matter of giving God new information. Instead of presenting requests as if God may not know them, it might be more appropriate to say, ‘God, you know I need this!’

And that is how Tim Stafford found a sort of resolution to his questions about prayer:

Here, I believe, is the key to understanding what is most personal in prayer. We do not pray to tell God what He does not know, nor to remind Him of things He has forgotten. He already cares for the things we pray about… He has simply been waiting for us to care about them with Him.’ [pg. 50]

to be taken to the start of this series, click here.

the day i took on city hall…

and by ‘took on’ i mean ‘visited and got to speak’ – have written a two parter blog about today’s public response to mayor nutter’s ban on public feeding on my other blog and here are the links…

http://thesimpleweigh.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/i-had-a-dream-part-i

http://thesimpleweigh.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/i-had-a-dream-part-ii-blooper-reel

and now ‘got stalked by’ http://thesimpleweigh.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/i-had-a-dream-part-iii-aka-stalker-in-the-gym/

and quoted… http://thesimpleweigh.wordpress.com/2012/04/14/i-had-a-dream-part-iv-aka-pressing-on/

Taboo Topics: Losing a baby – meet Nicole of Graeme and Nicole

a little while ago [well, a month it seems] i started a series called Taboo Topics where i wanted to look at some serious issues in life that deeply affect people but that rarely get spoken about. The first one, losing a baby, was something that had been on my heart for a long, long time because of knowing some friends who had been through it and having a glimpse of how devastating it must be, especially if you are carrying it along and feeling like you are the only one… an old friend of mine, Graeme, boldly stepped forward and shared their story from his perspective and a lot of people read it and were encouraged and it is now my privilege to share the same story, but from his wife Nicole’s perspective. Thank you, Nicole, for the strength you show in sharing this with us:

As you can see, it’s taken me a whole month to work up the courage to read this blog…. When Graeme told me that Brett had asked if he could post our story, I was not in a good head space, so told Graeme to go ahead, but that I couldn’t do it. Now, with Zoe’s 5th anniversary behind me, I feel I’m in a better space now, so I thought I’d head on over here and read all the stories he’s posted so far. Each of them broke my heart…. I know the pain hidden under the words each of them uses.

As with all couples, even having experienced the same event, my journey has been different to Graeme’s. As a mother, you connect with your child physically and emotionally long before it’s born. When I heard the news initially, that the doc couldn’t find a heartbeat, I was so sure it was just faulty equipment. I went into denial immediately. But after half an hour, the reality finally hit me. I was so devastated, and crying so hard, I nearly vomited on the floor. When the doc told me that it would be better for me physically, as well as emotionally, to go through natural labour (Zoe was 37 weeks), I wanted to hit her. I thought for sure she was joking. Yet, in retrospect, she was absolutely right.

We were given a private labour ward, with a dedicated mid-wife (so no extraneous staff wandering in and out, or noise from other labour wards to bother us), and at the end, our minister and his wife were allowed to join us, so we could wash Zoe, dress her, and hold a short ceremony for her immediately. I still remember the sound her body made as it slipped from me…. a dull thud followed by silence….

We didn’t find out until later that the name Zoe means life.

Something that gave me (and continues to give me) tremendous comfort was a vision that one of my friends had in which she saw Jesus take Zoe into heaven cuddled in his arms. To know that she’s loved, and cared for, and is in the best possible place…that is a great source of comfort to me.

I don’t believe that God made this happen. I don’t believe that God even allowed this to happen. Something as evil as killing an innocent, unborn child on the cusp of life could only come from the pit of hell itself. For the longest time though, I blamed God for failing to take action, for failing to save Zoe’s life.

Now though, I have Nathan (his name means ‘Gift of God’). There’s no way he will ever replace Zoe – not in a million years. But I know that if she had not died, he would not have been born. Right from the get-go, when we dedicated him, we asked that God would use him to heal and bless, and to bring joy into the lives of those he touches. God has honoured our prayer, and Nathan has already brought such healing and joy into ours.

I still don’t know ‘why’ Zoe died. I don’t know why we were targeted in this way. I don’t for one minute believe that Zoe’s death was part of God’s plan. Yet, I know that God has redeemed what Satan intended for evil. For both Graeme and I, our faith has been tested in the fire. The dross has been (and is being) burned away. Although we’ve still got a-ways to walk, I know that now our faith is real in a way that it never was before. We’ve also been able to comfort others with the comfort we have received – through Born Sleeping (our support group). Plus there is the blessing of the child who would not have been – Nathan – if not for his sister’s death.

As Graeme said, the grief is never far from the surface, but that doesn’t mean our lives are joyless. We have simply learnt how to tolerate indescribable pain, to allow it to wash over and through us, until we can breathe again. We have learnt how to live and love and laugh despite our pain. Having said that, please don’t think I’ve got grief taped, or that I have all the answers. If I were to go through this again, as Sandi & Mike, and Debbie & Bruce, have had to do I think I’d probably fall apart just as much, just as quickly, and take just as long to be put back together.

Losing a child…. it really is one of the hardest things any parent can go through, and unless you’ve been through it yourself, with the greatest respect, I don’t think you have a clue what it’s like…. which is probably why so many people don’t like to talk about it: everyone else says such banal things, insensitive things, the platitudes that are like a dagger in your heart and a slap through the face. Which is why Brett’s blog is so important. We need spaces to talk openly about our pain, and about how the pain makes us re-evaluate our lives, our values, our beliefs, our faith, our hopes, our dreams, our plans. And others need to hear it, to learn how to deal with us, and to help us grapple with issues of faith.

So thanks, Brett, for having the courage to open the lid on on this can. I just hope the worms turn into butterflies sooner rather than later.

Nicole [Nicole Masureik and Graeme Broster]

Born Sleeping Website – http://bornsleeping.wordpress.com/
Born Sleeping Facebook Page – http://www.facebook.com/pages/Born-Sleeping/150344014978601

if you would like to read the other stories that were shared, click here.

big brother [part ii]

it has been in the context of ‘being wronged’ that i have noticed it. and also brought up by an email i received the other day asking how we can be okay with the fact that God ordered genocide in the old testament [a really important question which i have grown up not asking - killing of many in the old testament was always seen as okay because it was 'the goodies killing the baddies' and i don't think i ever stopped to think much at all about the fact that they were real people with families and dreams and so on...]

in terms of someone who i think has caused offence to me [often a dangerous sign - "offence is not given, it's taken"], there is this inherent thing of violation of my rights [often a dangerous sign - the louder i get about proclaiming something that is seen as a right to me, the more i often need to look deeply within my heart, past my selfishness, pride and greed] and i NEED THIS PERSON TO PAY.

now what is unfortunate is that ‘this person’ is usually someone who is, or was, or should be, close to me [in the story, it is the guy's brother] and the basic truth of the situation is that i am wanting them to suffer [because they did that thing that was unacceptable to me] and so with the story of the lost son, the father tries to focus on the heart of the story: ‘this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found’ [verse 32]

the story is of a misguided son who gives in to temptation and greed and heads off and squanders his money and ends up with nothing and returns, absolutely broken, to try and get a job as a servant on his father’s farm… and the older son tries to make it all about himself. WHAT ABOUT ME?

and i’ve seen that in myself, and it is ugly, but while i am feeling offended or holding tightly to my rights, it becomes very easy to forget that this story also involves someone else, who is often broken and hurting and messed up and confused and when Jesus looks at them from the cross and gasps out, “Father, forgive them, for hey do not know what they are doing.” [Luke 23.34], i can hear myself wailing in the background, “No, wait a minute, what about me? I have been wronged. Is no one going to do anything? What about meeeeeeeee?”

romans 12 talks about us offering our bodies as living sacrifices which are holy and pleasing to God [ones which are screaming "he/she must pay!" may not fit so well into that category don'tchathink?] and goes on to say, ‘Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.’ [Romans 12.1-2] and so once again, we hear that in the kingdom Jesus came to speak about, everything is turnedon its head. What is ‘a right’, is freely given up. Offence is cast to the side.

what is brought to the fore is Love. Crazy, unbelievable, nonsensical, indescribable, ridiculous, make-a-mockery-out-of-offence, sacrificial, unmerited Love.

may that become my go to place. may i be identified more as the father in the story and less as the brother.

you can’t “Love your enemies” if you’re never near them…

we read this as part of morning prayer this morning:

‘Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “Jesus Christ lived in the midst of His enemies. At the end, all of His disciples deserted Him. On the cross He was utterly alone, surrounded by evildoers and mockers. For this cause He had come, to bring peace to the enemies of God. So the Christian, too, belongs not in the seclusion of a cloistered life, but in the thick of foes.”‘ [from Common Prayer: a liturgy for ordinary radicals, April 9th]

Jesus’ call is for us to love God and love people, and to make disciples of all men, teaching them to obey everything He taught us… we can’t do that from a distance. it requires genuine relationship.

psalmthing to chew on: psalm 19

psalm 19 is a tough one. because there is just so much in it. it is a beautiful, beautiful psalm. make sure you read the whole thing.

It starts so powerfully with a declaration of who God is:

‘The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.’ [Psalm 19.1] This makes me think of Jesus calming the storm in the boat ['The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 25 “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.” [Luke 8.24-25]] and when Jesus entered Jerusalem triumphantly ['When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!” “Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!” Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!” “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” Luke 19.37-40]

the message is that God will be praised and if we can’t do it then nature will take over. the glory and creativity and imagination of God are all revealed through nature. take a moment to praise God and add your voice or the meditation of your heart to the chorus…

verse 4 ['In the heavens He has pitched a tent for the sun'] got a little more chaotic when i read it to my wife [aka the beautiful Val] because it reminded both of us of a really funny awkward sermon moment which happened here.

but back to more serious things. STOP LAUGHING!

this next section i just loved the poetry in the writing:

‘The law of the LORD is perfect, refreshing the soul.

The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.

The decrees of the LORD are firm, and all of them are righteous.

They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold;

they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honeycomb.

By them your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.’

The first time i read over this psalm i read the word ‘warned’ in verse 11 as ‘warmed’ and i think it works both ways… because when you start to know and experience the character, heart and faithfulness of God, then even His commands/law/statutes warm you – there is a confidence and sense of being able to trust this God who promises to be with you even when you are ‘broken-hearted’ or ‘crushed in spirit’ [psalm 34.18] and even when you are walking through ‘the valley of the shadow of death’ [psalm 23.4] – He won’t take all the bad away, but He will strengthen and comfort and walk alongside you…

verse 12 and 13 ask for protection and forgiveness from sins we are aware of and even those we may not be which is a good reminder of the accountability we need to have with other people who can help point out our weaknesses in love as we invite them to.

and then the psalm ends powerfully with: ‘May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.’ [vs 14]

if only all Christ followers, myself included, could start each day with that prayer and then try and back it up with our actions, we would completely start to transform the world…

Aquaponics and other things that go blllloooop in the night…

so for those of you who missed my post on my ‘the simple weigh’ blog, here is a link to that and the story of the first week of aquaponics building that has been taking place at the simple way communtiy in kensington, philadelphia where we stay… aquaponics is like hydroponics but with fish [sustainable food growth]

click here to see…