i don’t want that.

i don’t want abortions to happen, but i don’t want to adopt a child or support a home that looks after abandoned kids

i don’t want drug dealers on my back door step, but i don’t want to come up with an alternative for the guys whose only income comes through selling drugs

i don’t want racism, but i don’t want to take the time to really engage with someone of a different race or culture in meaningful long term relationship where i eventually get to a place where i start to just treat them as my friend and not “my [insert race/culture] friend”

i don’t want young people sleeping around before they get married, but i don’t want to take time building relationship with a young couple and meeting with them regularly to walk the journey with them, being open about the struggles i went through when i was dating and when we were engaged and how sometimes we didn’t have quite the victory over them that we wanted to

i don’t want divorce, but i don’t want to stop using jokes or language that take digs at marriage, and applauding, sharing or celebrating when others do, and i don’t want to be open about the struggles i have in my own marriage that might help others who are struggling feel better about the fact that they are not the only ones who are, or offer to walk a long, tough journey of accountability and being there for those who are battling

and more.

it can be very easy to say ‘No!’ sometimes without providing a creative “Yes!” and i think we need to take a long, hard, deep, thoughtful look at our lives, our relationships, the things we are strongly against [and what things we are strongly for that by the very nature of them happening or being pursued will wipe out some of the things we are against] and see if providing a healthy, creative, Godly, community “Yes!” might be within our grasp and worth giving a lot of time and energy and money towards…

sometimes we don’t need to fight the darkness, as much as we need to bring some light into the dark place… it is the light which causes the darkness to flee

what don’t you want?

why marriage is like dancing

my good friend Mel [or Melissa Jayne Donaldson of you listen to Facebook] sent me a link to this article on marriage which covers a few steps [harr] that the recent marriage series didn’t and is a very light and easy read:

7 Marriage Lessons Learned on the Dance Floor by Jen Smidt

some more cartoons that made me smile

from thedoghousedairies.com and brevity [by guy and rodd]

Prickly City – new cartoon worth taking a look at…

my brother-in-law keith just introduced me to this new cartoon strip called Prickly City by a guy called Scott Stantis and i took a look at a bunch of them and there’s some good stuff – great series on the Occupy phenomenon and some other good ones – here are a quick pick:

pearlsbeforeswineology

one of my favourite cartoon strips is called ‘Pearls Before Swine’ and in this one i think Stephan Pastis nails it on the head [the premise is rat who is a cynical and mean character rediscovers the chest in the attic where he locked his conscience many years before]:

for all the daters out there

so i have just posted the last [for now at least] post in the marriage series which ended up being a great 18 blog posts written by a whole bunch of my friends who are married well and passed along some really great marriage-enhancing advice and tips and wisdom. the beautiful Valerie ad myself might add some thorts of our own later but we’re about to head for Texas to visit my sister and her family…

anyways, looking at blog stats, this has been the second hugest blog visitation i have had with the largest being the series i did on dating and so i thort it would be good to repost links to some of those that were really popular in case you missed them and want to check out some insights on that area of life:

i think this was the intro blog to the series and links to future blogs…

followed by ‘i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Ladies!’ which was muchly visited and discussed and forwarded

a two parter written by the beautiful Val which is a must read as with most of what she writes…

and of course for the men – ‘i kissed dating, part Step up! [Both of you!] – for the Men?’

and then if you find any of those really helpful, there was a whole series of them that you could discover on my blogsite but just thort these would touch a different group than those who the marriage ones have been for… hope you find them helpful and if so please pass on…

How to Save a Marriage… before you need to. [part 18]

and the series rages on, and my friends continue to write some incredible marriage-growing things and so i continue to post them… this post from someone who has been a dear friend of mine from long, long ago and is now happily married to one of my old youth okes who is not called PG any more cos he got all grown up… so let’s hear it from Bev Le Roux Brodrick:

Hi Brett

The marriage series is great. Thanks. Copied a few comments for Pete and I to keep on our minds. Simple things like saying thank you and living graciously and in consideration of those you live with. Such great tips.

What makes a strong marriage…

I really think that is more a question for those who have endured so much more than us. Those who have been married for 30-40 years. So, I do not feel ‘qualified’ in any way to give advice. I think we are still in the easy stage…

I do believe that all good things are found in the shelter of the most high God. I do believe that when we are submitted to our Heavenly Father that he brings unity, that he shepherds us to streams of living water, to a place much more beautiful that what we can imagine or what the media portrays.

I believe that as I trust in God and change my life in obedience to Him that He pulls the pieces together.

I think that the world has created expectations in us that need to be smashed. Where do our expectations come from? and why are we imposing them on our spouse? As we meditate on the Word of God that brings life – He breathes life into all that we are and brings a pleasure and contentment into our lives and marriage like nothing else can.

In my short marriage of about 6 yrs now and with my ever growing relationship with God I feel the Lord has been pressing me to love even when it doesn’t suit me. To love even when it is inconvenient. To love over and above my natural ability – through the power of the Holy Spirit. To love, without condition. It is easy to love when it is comfortable and when things are in the ‘right’ place. Not so easy when you feel betrayed or hurt. It is great to want to love others in community and our brothers and sisters in Christ, but if it doesn’t start at home it is unlikely going to happen anywhere else. A life that is totally poured out to God, to your spouse, your family, your community, not wanting in return, but individuals who are content to live a life of giving.

I believe that as we grow in the Lord as individuals and as we deepen our relationship with Him and really start to rely on Him for all our needs we release our spouse from having to fulfil that impossible task. He/she is not there to make us feel secure, he/she is not there to give us value, or to fulfill the deepest longings in our lives. That is God’s role. Don’t expect your husband or wife to fulfill you. He/she is a gift from God to journey along side you, in partnership for His Glory! Even nights when I go so sleep alone and Pete is working… it is God who wraps his arms around me. It is God who pulls my soul towards heaven and I rest in the ultimate lover of my soul – under His wing.

When the circumstances of life hit we often blame those closest to us. Sometimes a root of bitterness takes shape in our heart, as we find out that life is hard. Life is hard work. Life is maybe not quite what we thought it would be. When kids come it sinks into a whole new reality… not only is it hard work, you are now sleep deprived on top of it, and have children dependant on you 24/7, draining your energy, draining your life and impacting your marriage. You sorta start to switch into a role of ‘survival’. You start to play tag and spend less time with each other and bad habits kick in. You start to treat your loved one less special than a friend. Sad but true.

We can do NOTHING in our own strength. We have NOTHING to give. We ARE nothing. God sustains me. He brought me and Pete together and He has sustained us through our trials and temptations. If I had to single out one practical thing that has helped me so far, it would have to be prayer. Prayer in deepening my own relationship with God. Prayer for my husband, prayer for our relationship, prayer for our intimacy, prayer for our greater purpose together, prayer for things yet to come… prayer for unity, prayer for truth to be revealed. Prayer for the courage to change. Prayer to make me less selfish and prayer to grow me on to spiritual maturity. Prayer to change ME. Prayer against all evil, the power of darkness that seeks to destroy. I love nothing more than praying with my husband. God and Pete. My two BESTS!

Sending much love to you and your beautiful Val. I enjoy seeing where God has lead you and what you are involved in and totally LOVE having brothers and sisters in Christ, all over the world.

[married for 6 years]

to be directed to the beginning of this marriage-enhancing series click here…

How to Save a Marriage… before you need to. [part xvii]

this great marriage-enhancing advice is from a friend of mine, Clint Botha, whose friendship has grown a lot since we both ended up in different countries and went virtual…

By no means do I consider myself and Karin some kind of pro married couple (although that would be an awesome competition and/or reality tv show). We have only been at this thing for 6 years and a bit, but these are the things we have found have worked for us.

- It’s a given for us, but Jesus is the centre of our marriage. He is our shared mission, goal, lord, saviour, love! That has made a huge difference in our marriage… I can not state that enough.

-We laugh. A LOT! We laugh at each other (not in a mean way… in other words… only if your partner also sees the funny side). We laugh at ourselves. I can not remember a day in our marriage (even the really difficult days) that we have not laughed about something.

-We save our energy for big stresses. We don’t sweat the little things. We are both of the attitude that life happens. On this journey there are things big and small completely out of our control and those things are not worth stressing over.

-We have a united front with money. Firstly we chose to have a shared bank account. There is no money allocated to Karin or me each month. For us marriage was all or nothing and this included earnings. We are also in agreement with what we do with that money (and Who it ultimately belongs to). We both try to not be reckless or bad stewards (sometimes better than others) and we also try not to hold onto money too tightly. What we found worked for us is that we set an agreed on amount that neither of us would spend more than without the others consent. That way you avoid being tied to never being able to spend… but you also never end up spending more than what was agreed on without the other persons knowledge.

-We give grace and forgiveness very freely and quickly. It’s a huge cliche’, but so important. We do not go to bed angry. Or to put it biblically: Ephesians 4:26 “26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”[a] Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry”.

-We accept that we are both broken people. Karin needs me to love her in spite of her brokeness as much as I need her to love me in spite of mine.

-We let go of passed stuff. It’s tempting to bring up previous mistakes. We’ve made it a priority to never do that.

- During our engagement when we were discussing married life and how to deal with stuff we decided to ban certain language. We banned the “d-word”. We don’t mention divorce. Not in anger… not as a joke. It is a no go word. We never have used that word in a conflict situation.

- We fight clean. We try as far as humanly possible (don’t always get this as right as we’d like to)…. but we try to never go for the jugular or take dirty shots at each other. We don’t do name calling, character assassination and that sort of thing. Stick to the issue.

-We talk. A LOT.

-And finally: “Quality not quantity” is an outright lie of the enemy. We signed up to live this life together and that means making an intentional effort to spend time together. Whether that’s going for a walk or just watching a movie together. If you don’t want to spend a lot of time with one other person for the rest of your life don’t get married.

[married for 6 years]

to continue on to the next post click here…

How to Save a Marriage… before you need to. [part xvi]

and now for the long ones… this one directed to the women… and a great write… – by now you know what’s going on so read, enjoy, learn… this one by my internet friend Rachel T Moore:

Since I only know my half of what works (my husband is amazing and mysterious like that), I’m going to address what a wife can do to build a good marriage. I’ve only been married two years (dated for three prior to that) but there’s a couple things I’m glad I’ve learned/am learning:

I think that the best advice I have is pray, laugh, repeat.

Pray for your spouse, pray for yourself. Pray together, pray apart. Ask for yourself, ask for others. Rejoice, praise, be grateful, be angry, doubt, seek, love, commune… and Enjoy.

I think that in our spiritual lives, as well in our marriages, we start to take everything too seriously sometimes. There’s a season for serious, yes… but usually we’re all so self important that it’s ridiculous. Our spouses are our partners and friends and lovers… not some sort of validation or someone we need to change to be a certain way. But we don’t treat them like that. We nag them about doing chores the way we’d like, or harass them about their failures, or only direct attention to them when it’s negative, and it’s such a loss.

It works to diffuse serious situations too. If I’m consistently falling short on a goal or a virtue, my husband has a knack for gently teasing me into realizing what I need to do! (Although, I have seen other couples where the woman takes that sort of teasing TOO SERIOUSLY… ya gotta be less touchy, ladies!). Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, I just have to hear MYSELF and just how stubborn/ridiculous I’m being and stop and have a good laugh! It allows me to get over any embarrassment or self importance at being on the wrong side (or even just an unreasonably stubborn side) of a discussion, and be open to what my partner is saying.

My husband and I have had a rough year (job stresses, unemployment stresses, health issues, depression), and I think what really got me through was constant prayer, which gave me the strength to DECIDE to be joyful, which is contagious don’t ya know! If we started to get into slumpy depressed woe is me mode, it could be as simple as making funny faces or singing funny little songs, or deciding that even though it’s ten at night it sounded like a perfect time to make cookies because who can be sad with the smell of baking?

Actively pursuing joy (and thus in my case, laughter) reminds me how in love with my husband I am (and I can tell you I’m MUCH more attractive to him laughing than nagging) and gives me the strength to do the hard “grown up things” that life consists of (work, bills, chores, etc.).

And it’s amazing how, when you are constantly in prayer and deciding to be joyful, your husband responds! It’s like magic. Then, when a day comes and it’s too hard to be joyful on your own, your partner/friend/lover/husband is there to make funny faces and sing silly songs and pray with you and help you through.

The much lauded Proverbs woman is said to be clothed in strength and dignity, and that she can laugh at the days to come. I think that’s not only because she has her house in order and all those wonderful things that were listed in that daunting chapter, but that she has learned to laugh! Now, everything that is thrown at her, she knows exactly how to handle.

Pray, Laugh, Repeat.

[married for 2 years]

for the next post, click here

take a minute and vote for your latest brett andy favourites if you will…

so a while ago, after ten rounds of brett andy voting [jack handeyesque wannabe quotes i'm working on improving - some good, some bad, some ugly, but every now and then i just hit it.] i was going to do a massive best of vote in which i picked all my top ones and got people to pick the best of the best… but then i changed computers and all my brett andy voting results and lists are on my other computer and it just seems like too much admin, so will get there one day… but for now if you are able to read through the list and add a comment on which of the latest ones you possibly find funny – there are three here that i really like for various reasons of subtlety and one [if you google it] is actually a true story…so please take a minute to vote on any of them you find good if you do – am still learning the craft:

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT. FROM THEN ON IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

“AS I COMPLETED MY TOAST TO THE BRIDESMAIDS, THE USHERS GRABBED MY ARMS AND ESCORTED ME OUT OF THE CHURCH.”

“I STARED AT THE MAN EATING TIGER AND BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS RESTAURANT WAS A TAD TOO EXOTIC FOR MY SIMPLE TASTES.”

“AS THE NOOSE TIGHTENED, IT FELT LIKE MY BREATH WAS BEING FORCED OUT OF MY LUNGS AND MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED INSTANTLY BEFORE ME. WAIT, NOT ‘NOOSE’, I MEAN ‘NECKTIE’.”

“THE TAXIDERMIST’S DOG SEEMED TO HAVE AN INSATIABLE APPETITE. HE WOULD EAT AND EAT AND NEVER SEEM TO BE GETTING ENOUGH. THEN ONE DAY HE WAS STUFFED.”

“THE SHERIFF STARED SOMBERLY INTO HIS DRINK. FOR SOME REASON THINGS IN THE TAME, TAME EAST NEVER SEEMED TO RAISE THE SAME KIND OF ADRENALIN RUSHES THAT HIS COUSIN OFTEN SPOKE OF FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY .”

“AS E.T. FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, HE FLASHED THE BIGGEST GRIN EVER, BUT AS THE LAST COIN HIT THE BOTTOM WITH A LOUD ‘THUNK’, IT SUDDENLY DAWNED ON HIM THAT HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE DIALLING CODE WAS.”

“SURE, HE HAD ATTRACTED ALL THE RATS OF THE CITY, BUT WHAT NOW?” THOUGHT THE PIED ORGANIST TO HIMSELF.”

“I IMAGINE, IF YOU’RE PETER PARKER, IT’S A LOT MORE EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU GET DISCONNECTED FROM THE WEB.”

“POW. THE RICE CRISPY WHO LEFT BEFORE THE GROUP WENT BIG.”

“MY MATHS TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT THE TECHNICAL TERM WAS FOR TWELVE TIMES TWELVE AND I SAID, “THAT’S GROSS,” COS SHE HAD A TINY PIECE OF SNOT HANGING OFF THE END OF HER NOSE.”